Mini list – What i’m currently thankful for

One thing I have noticed about myself every time I get my period is my tendency to be super irritated, sad and negative all the time. These days my journal is filled with rants and only about the things that I find really annoying. Flipping through the pages I realized how my journaling has changed so much over the years. More like what I fill my journal with. As and when university progressed my journaling habit reduced and the only time I’d journal would be if I was ever sad, annoyed or just angry. My earlier journals rarely ever had that kind of content. It was mostly my daily moments, things I was thankful for, certain lists, stories about places and people and additions to the things I wanted to do in life and the places I wanted to see. I have barely had any of that in my last 2 journals. It’s all heartbreak stories, complaints and sad poetry (if it all it can be called that).

So today while wallowing over nothing in particular this along with binging on a show and a reading a book I decided to make a short list of the things that I’m currently thankful for.

  • I finally got into the habit of doing yoga after years of failed attempts so yay. I religiously do the traditional yoga every day for an hour now.
  • I moved into a new place with 2 of my friends and now I have a room of my own. My safe space ❤
  • Got a money plant for my room and named her lulu. She’s pretty, small and lives in the corner of my room.
  • A feel-good show like ‘This is us’ which makes me cry but gives a good vibe also.
  • Received an old copy of ‘Chocolat’ from a friend. He got from a second-hand bookstore in Norway.
  • Speaking of books, I’m reading a good book (so far) right now- The forty rules of love by Elif Shafak.
  • My tapestry finally stays on the wall. For an entire semester it kept falling down, sometimes I would wake up to it just covering me like a blanket.
  • Finding beautiful songs because of the soundtracks of certain shows and movies.
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I’d almost gone to bed

I had a lot of breakdowns last semester, a lot. Some of them were the results of putting myself in certain situations and some of them were because of being put in certain situations, despite my futile efforts to get out of them. Even efforts fell short for a lot of things from academics to relationships, and yet everything was exhausting. Or maybe even the little efforts I was taking felt like a herculean task because of my state of mind. Maybe that was why it was all so exhausting. A lot happened and a lot did not happen. Some of it to my liking and some of it despite.

I was nicely tucked in bed a couple of minutes ago, I had gone to bed just a few minutes prior. But as soon as I shut my eyes, I recalled the previous semester and how I had felt like such a failure. I’m supposed to leave for university again in 3 days and everything was going well until now, till I recalled every bad thing that happened and my mind just went into this state of pre-breakdown mode. I know that mode, that state. That warm up before a breakdown, I know it all too well. I could feel that whirlpool of anxiety in my stomach demanding my being. I couldn’t let it get to that. Tears started welling up in my eyes.

My tossing and turning in bed followed finally giving up and going to the kitchen to make a cup of chai. Chai calms me down. I went in the kitchen around 4:30 and could hear my neighbor’s wake up alarm. The world is waking up and I haven’t even gone to bed (this should probably be the title of my biography or something).

Now here I am, sipping on my chai, hopelessly typing this so I can make sense of what’s happening.

Hey look! I saved myself from a breakdown, from going to a bad place, from feeling sorry for myself and from crying myself to sleep yet another night. I get that sometimes breakdowns are necessary but in my case, I crumble way too easy and too fast. And I got a hold of myself today, I didn’t even realize. Earlier if something like this happened I’d get carried away, feel super drained and try to see my therapist as soon as possible. But tonight (or this morning?) I don’t feel like that. It’s a very okay feeling actually, I don’t feel like my mood has switched completely or anything but I definitely feel better. Like the kind of okay that is just okay and not a good okay or a bad okay but the actual ‘okay’ okay.

Spoiler free review – Bloodline by Sidney Sheldon

How I came about reading it:

I started reading Sidney Sheldon’s books when I was in grade 8 and have read almost all of his books so needless to say, his writing style is very familiar to me. I wasn’t diving into a completely unknown world when bloodline was picked up by me. He is one of my favorite authors and sometimes his books are devoured by me in less than a day’s time. So, bloodline was just there, sitting on my shelf when I was desperately searching for a thriller to read after having finished “The unbearable lightness of being” and boy that was heavy one. Does it ever happen to you that a book sits on your shelf for so long that you start to believe that you’ve read it even though you haven’t? Yeah that is exactly what happened to bloodline, all this time I believed I had read it.

Review:

Do you ever just read a book that you barely started a day ago or so and then as soon as it is over you’re just like GAAAAH I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!

Yeah, as soon as I finished reading bloodline, the very sunny day all of a sudden did not feel so bright and sunny. As soon as I shut the book, it became so hard to comprehend that I was not in the setting of the book but in my own room in this small town which is my home. I had barely started reading the book the day before and could not put it down. It was not just the plot of the story, it was everything about the book that was so gripping that it forced me to keep on turning the page. The concept of “Just one more chapter” went out the window because I knew as soon as I started this book there was no doing anything else until I had finished reading it.

The cliffhangers were not making it any easier, they were so well planned and definitely worked their way into instilling more intrigue and excitement. One thing I always like about Sidney Sheldon’s books is when the protagonist is a female, how they are usually underestimated, shown as a failure and then while the evolution of them turning into this badass of a person is not just read but lived. This book takes you around the world, between the past and the present and gives a vivid description of the beautiful villas and houses. One gets up and close with almost every character as enough time and depth of the story is told for each of them, you see them struggle, live, from their past to the present and just enough glance into how their minds to see how each works and ticks differently. Just enough so as to not give away the suspense. The suspense again was well built and at no point did I feel confused and even though the ending gave the main answers I was still hoping to learn more of each of the characters and how they end up, which was left for the readers to imagine.

Rating : 4.5/5

Review: The kissing booth

I watched this one in between preparing for my exams while procrastinating because    a) I couldn’t risk starting a new show and b) I needed something light and funny to watch. Also, apparently this was actually a wattpad book that was later picked up for publishing and then made into a movie!

For some reason, I haven’t been able to watch romantic comedies especially teen romances for a while now so when Netflix (its a Netflix original) decided to just play the tailer when I logged in, I slightly rolled my eyes and thought “Am I really in the mood for a super cheesy teen romance?”.  I gave it a shot anyway because helloooo procrastination.

I haven’t read the book so I can only speak for the movie here which revolves around Elle (Joey King) trying to keep her friendship with her best friend (Joel Courtney) intact by following a set of rules while juggling a romance with her best friend’s brother Noah Flynn who happens to be off limits, according to those rules. The kissing booth is where it all starts from for Elle and Noah and it is where Elle’s friendship with Lee Flynn takes a turn it had never before.

Now however cheesy or predictable you’re thinking this movie is in your head right now, multiply that by 3 times. I’m not saying that necessarily is a bad thing but just to give an idea of the cheesiness one might like in a movie. The life-long friendship, the lead as the late bloomer, the forbidden romance, the sneaking around, the confusion phase, the trio of mean girls and all of that cliché teen movie stuff is what this one is made of as well. For me, it was all very predictable but an enjoyable watch none the less. It is like one of those one-time watchable teen romantic comedies.

Rating 2.5/5

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Journal entry

Why won’t you stay gone?

Why do you keep coming back

Only to leave all over again?

-20/01/2016

Being Done

Its funny how when you think you are really done with someone you go around telling others and casually (but not so casually) announce it time and again that “I’m done!”. Hoping that that “done” would be the official one for you and you’d believe it once you say it out loud. And then past midnight when you lay awake in your bed drunk or even sober, you realise that man you’re far from done. You’re still stuck in that place. You’re still holding on. Still holding on to the memories of that person hoping they would somehow make it better.

No matter how many times you say it out loud to let the world know in order to let yourself know that you have moved one, you know deep down that you haven’t because you feel that longing when you listen to a song in the club, read that piece of poetry, go back to your conversations, really fight the urge to drunk dial, go over your journal entries of that person, just anything and everything that even remotely reminds you of them.

It does not happen overnight, as much as you wish it did, it does not work that way. And now that you started announcing to the world, you do not want to be perceived weak ( or dare i say uncool) by them so you don’t let anyone know that you really are not done. You shed a few tears in lonesome and make up some kind of a story for your lost and sad mood for those times.

Eventually, You get busy with your life, with work, with school, a show or friends. Now, It is probably that phase where you stopped announcing it out loud every time you get drunk.

And then, suddenly, one fine day when you lay awake past midnight a voice whispers in your head “you really are done”. It happens when you least expect it. Just like that. Did you even acknowledge the process? Hardly, but it sure leaves an impact. Is there a need to say it out loud now? Nope. Your heart knows it, it is living it!

Being done is not an announcement that you scream at the top of your lungs, it is a soft whisper which only you can hear that speaks those liberating words to you.