Dream a little

Whether you Dream a little

Or

You dream a lot

Just dream.

There is nothing quite like it.

And there sure as hell nothing like the feeling when you’re living it

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Being Done

Its funny how when you think you are really done with someone you go around telling others and casually (but not so casually) announce it time and again that “I’m done!”. Hoping that that “done” would be the official one for you and you’d believe it once you say it out loud. And then past midnight when you lay awake in your bed drunk or even sober, you realise that man you’re far from done. You’re still stuck in that place. You’re still holding on. Still holding on to the memories of that person hoping they would somehow make it better.

No matter how many times you say it out loud to let the world know in order to let yourself know that you have moved one, you know deep down that you haven’t because you feel that longing when you listen to a song in the club, read that piece of poetry, go back to your conversations, really fight the urge to drunk dial, go over your journal entries of that person, just anything and everything that even remotely reminds you of them.

It does not happen overnight, as much as you wish it did, it does not work that way. And now that you started announcing to the world, you do not want to be perceived weak ( or dare i say uncool) by them so you don’t let anyone know that you really are not done. You shed a few tears in lonesome and make up some kind of a story for your lost and sad mood for those times.

Eventually, You get busy with your life, with work, with school, a show or friends. Now, It is probably that phase where you stopped announcing it out loud every time you get drunk.

And then, suddenly, one fine day when you lay awake past midnight a voice whispers in your head “you really are done”. It happens when you least expect it. Just like that. Did you even acknowledge the process? Hardly, but it sure leaves an impact. Is there a need to say it out loud now? Nope. Your heart knows it, it is living it!

Being done is not an announcement that you scream at the top of your lungs, it is a soft whisper which only you can hear that speaks those liberating words to you.

August till now

Been doing that thing where I listen to way too much music and zone out more than usual.

That thing I do where i completely lose myself in a book to the point where reality is what appears as a break.

More sleeping than usual, more staying in bed even if it’s just Laying around and not getting work done.

Taking road trips just for the heck of it and trying to accomplish the task of reading along with not wanting to miss out on the view.

Just sitting by the window when it starts raining and doing nothing but listening to the sound of rain.

A little more observing and less speaking.

August, you’ve been one taking-it-easy on the self kinda month so far.

MAUERBAUERTRAURIGKEIT

-The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.

This concept isn’t alien to me. I’ve been doing this ever since can remember, its not something i have to struggle with…it just happens, rather i make it happen. Because i convince myself to believe that’s the way it should be. That maybe everyone around me would be better off that way, and so would i. I’m a pro at pushing people away. Now even though i am more of a suffer in silence kind of a person, I think that i know that the person won’t stick around after a while and before getting too attached to someone i do it, i disappear and honestly that kind of is unfair  to the  people who really  care about me, and i make these cowardly moves where i shut them out of my life and i am the one sulking because, well, i am that emotional indeed. I know very well that it is not fair on them and but i let myself assume that its not like it would matter, like i would matter.Those are the moments i don’t get whether the devil on my shoulder is saving me or preparing me for my own personal hellish experience that’s about to arrive.
But i don’t want to do this anymore and i am working on it. I pushed so many people away to the point where now when we talk at times it feels like they’re strangers and i yearn to have those bitch-you-know-you’re-my-person kinda talks. I’ve distanced myself from everyone way too many people who could’ve been important and who still are. I’m learning to wear my heart on my sleeve. And i’m not afraid of doing that anymore. The realization that pushing someone away is just selfish and insensitive on both parties is enough for me. And also i’m learning to love myself again, so there’s no way i’m putting myself through this kind of shit from now on. Its been way to long. Its time i deal with situations rather than escape.
It took me 21 years to get this..but better late than never.

For a second there

For a second there

I forgot about the chaos outside

And about the raging storm inside

 

For a second there

I forgot about the fact that

My feelings should be caged

Because I am in a public place

 

For a second there

I totally forgot about

The responsibility of having

To study for a test tomorrow

 

For those few seconds

It was just me with my journal

And the music playing in my ears

 

A private conversation between us

Unknown to those around

It was the comfort of an unnerving solitude

 

For those few seconds

I refused to see the situation

As either black or white

 

During a storm

Grey is how the sky appears

But for a second there

I embraced it

And I swear

Nothing felt more beautiful.

Days when

IMG_4157You are not always going to be all rainbows and sunshine

there are going to be days when you are going to be a raging storm

no matter how many parties you go to and no matter how many friends you have

there are going to be days when you will find yourself not having anyone by your side

days when you feel disconnected with your own self

days when even social media won’t be able to distract you

days when no matter how many times you try to find a shelter

the storm will break through all of that

because it so overwhelmingly

demands your attention

So let it rage, my dear, do not suppress it, not again

let it take over and create something out of it,

write, paint, sing, dance, run

let it go and create something

so beautifully broken out of it

for only a few can see the beauty in the storm

and you,dear one, are one of those.