The Twilight talk

 

I think it is better to start off with a little bit of a background here, of myself and that time when I read twilight and was clearly obsessed with it, anyone who knew me back in school knows that. I wasn’t subtle about it and wasn’t ashamed of it either.

I am a 21 year old girl in the third year of University. After all the literature I have read (not much, there is so much more, but I try), and all the people I have interacted with , readers and otherwise, and cleaning my bookshelf a while ago and finding the entire twilight saga has resulted into me typing out my thoughts about this particular series.

I read this entire series back in 9th grade and was pretty obsessed with it for a while; I would read in class, I would read it instead of focusing on homework and also replaced reading with socialising. Twilight is the first series I ever read and so it plays an important role in my reading journey. I mean I used to read before that but this series just put me on a reading spree, something I realised I could do and was capable of binge reading.

I am aware that twilight gets a lot of hate, on social media and otherwise, even in college there was a time when an entire class was spent criticising this series, and some of it I get. I understand and see the point of view of others and why they dislike it so much. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I can wrap my head around that. I am also aware of my own opinions here today more than I would’ve been when I was 14.

If I read twilight today I know that I would end up not liking it and would have a lot to say about it. When I think back at the time I was obsessed with it, I know today that some aspect I wouldn’t understand and would question myself. But I choose to not do that, I choose to not join in in those discussions that hate on twilight because it doesn’t settle well with me. I know this would probably not make sense to most people but I do not want to be disrespectful towards something that was comforting to me and had a positive impact on my life back then. No matter what I would think of it today, I do not want to hate on it just because I’d like to think of myself as a mature someone today and look down on that person who loved twilight and dismiss that as being immature. I can’t. It was something that was an escape from reality for me and 9th grade wasn’t all that easy, and twilight made it somewhat bearable.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be this way and I can just hate on it because everyone is but I don’t want to. Back then I had barely read anything; I wasn’t that much of a voracious reader that I am today, so I am thankful that I found twilight and it got me into the world of reading. Regardless of my opinions today, I can’t bring myself to hate on it.

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The somewhat of this-is-how

Today i am sharing something i wrote a year ago, back in June when i was so badly trying to convince myself i was over someone i clearly wasn’t. Because being in denial is so much better right? Thankfully, i wrote this as a way to wrap my head around how to go about it and honestly, a year later, i am at a much much better place. Here goes,

I’m getting there, its not like forgetting someone who you got attached to happens overnight.There is a particular way of how that happens. stages of it happening

1.The courage to make that decision- when you know that this whole things isn’t good for you and is turning out to be toxic there is no reason for you to stick around. Make sure you take this step before its too late. And even if you are too deep in it, its never too late. Put yourself first. After all, you shouldn’t need anyone who doesn’t need you.

 2.Do it- whether over a text, a letter, a call or doing that in person. just do it the way you’re comfortable with. It will be hard but you’ll thank yourself for it later. Tell that person how you’ve felt all along. Pour your heart out. (well, if that person feels the same then bingo! you’ve hit the jackpot).

3.Wallow- listen to sad music, a melange of heartbreaking and getting over kinda songs. listen to it. cry your eyes out. howl. wallow. eat your feelings. talk about it. seclude yourself for a while. its okay to cry over something that never happened but you kept on hoping anyways. Binge watch a show but after that do not escape this feeling. FACE it.

4.No stalking- You need to stop checking their social media. for real. and if you have any pictures of them, DELETE. not the messages though. keep them if you want, but resist the urge to read them because reading them will ultimately lead to wanting to text them and then you actually text them. Been there, done that. you won’t be proud of yourself. trust me on this.

5.Face the reality- come to terms with the fact that this whole situation isn’t made for the movie screen, and if it were meant to happen then it would’ve happened. stop trying so hard. stop chasing something that doesn’t want to be chased. That doesn’t want to be caught by you. respect yourself enough to walk out of such a situation. Your life is your movie, there is no market business, no profit from the audience, so you know you are the lead. know that you will get your happy ending. so don’t pretend, don’t put yourself through that for the heck of it.

6.Embrace it- whatever it is you’re feeling. write it down. write down the pros and cons. see which one wins. write down all the things you didn’t like about him/her. the times they made you cry, you got upset and they didn’t care and let you go to bed in a bitter mood, when they promised you something and didn’t keep it. you will automatically realize why you let go in the first place.

7. Start doing something new- work out, cook something, travel alone to a new country or the neighboring town, do something that makes you feel happy and proud of yourself.

Eventually, you’ll learn to not miss him/her. You’ll learn you don’t need anyone, at least for now. Prioritize your needs. Don’t sacrifice easily. You’ll soon cherish his/her memories but trust me you wouldn’t wanna go back because you will have come so far.

 

 

That mood of the month

​Sometimes, a lot of people find it really hard to believe it when i say that my mood is equally as bad as my period pain when it comes to that time of the month. Like not i-wanna-kill everyone bad but more like nothing ever matters and nothing ever will. That is the kind of bad i am talking about. And every time time i come to know that my period will be arriving soon is not because of a calendar or something but because there will be these days where i would feel super low and i will cry for no reason or just cry because i feel like it.  I will cry in the shower, i will cry myself to sleep and just put on my sad playlist and cry to every song on it.

It is not some kind of momentary thing, it will last for good 7-8 days and that just sucks because then my mood has already waved goodbye to any motivation i had. Do you ever just feel like there is this whirlpool inside of you which is just sucking on any emotion you have and then all you are left with is emptiness? It is just you walking around with your emptiness, sleeping with it, barely eating or eating a lot owing to it, and existing without any motivation to fill something up in that empty space?

Well, i have had this go on for many years and there has to be something done about it. I do allow myself to stay in bed longer than usual without feeling guilty about it and watch some super emotional stuff that will make me cry harder. But i feel like something should be done so that this feeling does not feel prolonged. Here are the things that i hope turns that mood around for you or just make you feel somewhat better:

  • If you are in the habit of journaling then read the pages where you have written about some good times you’ve had. If not, then just scroll through your gallery and look at those photos when you were all happy.
  • Read, watch or in any way just go through something that you have been passionate about. It could be photography, traveling, dancing, something you must have doodled about the things you really like and allow that to make you feel something.
  • I know they say that you should not drink coffee when you are on your periods but honestly coffee works for me because it gives me that kick and sipping it while going through something that inspires me really motivates me to do something.

  • If coffee isn’t your things then  hot chocolate or tea with a little bit of vanilla in both really helps, i strongly recommend it to go with a feel-good movie.
  • Read your favorite chapter from a book or watch a favorite episode from a show you like.

These are the things that help me get through these kind of gloomy days.

Talking it out rant

Honestly sometimes I don’t understand how the brains of adults work but then again I am an adult too now. Which is really hard to believe because I either act like a 9 year old or at times I legit act like a 69 year old, so yeah I am either too young or too old, there is no in between.

The only time the in between is experienced when I get into an argument with my parents. That is when it feels like that I am actually a young adult. Because when you’re a kid you don’t really get to experience those intense fights with them and when you’re too old, well, you are just old and pretty much have lived more than half your life so I do not think they’re THAT concerned with you making a mistake.

All of that being said, let’s get to the whole argument thing when you are a young adult. You think you know things, maybe a little too much and your parents think you’re practically Jon Snow know when it comes to the world. You know nothing. So one simple thing which could have had a simple answer blows completely out of proportion and all of the things that you might have done wrong in your entire life come up erupting like lava from a volcano in the form of words. Let’s be honest, if it were up to them they would bring up things you did wrong in the past life as well.

You know, you are either the suffer in silence types who will just listen to them and not voice your opinion or you are straight up in the zone having an answer for everything that does not even come out as a question from them. But still, all you want is to be heard by them or at least given a chance to be heard, it sucks when the answer comes out to be no even before you finish the question. It is not always okay to be silent and let your parents always get away with voicing out whatever anger or opinions or comments they have, I get it that you do not want another argument, but that is not healthy. It will do nothing but make you passive aggressive in the future. You need to let your thoughts out even if it is your parents, and if you don’t think the middle of the argument is the right time then hear them out, let them cool down and speak to them to the next day when they are calm and are willing to listen. Do not bottle up your emotions like that, at the same time that does not mean that you say mean things and absolutely hurt them for no reason, what I mean is, talk to them and try to reason. Tell them what hurts you, things that are bothering you and the so and so things they should not have brought up in the argument the night before and how unfair that was.

Maybe things will be better after that, maybe they won’t but at least it would be a step you take towards handling things on your own in a way where at least you are letting your thoughts out and making them heard without the other person trying to cut you off again and again. I mean this is my way of dealing with these kinds of issues but I don’t know all of a sudden I don’t get why I am writing about this. Probably because I have something like that going on at home right now and after having heard everything and knowing that there was no point arguing back as nobody wanted to listen, I let it go like I always do and will talk it out in the morning.

This really feels more like a rant kind of post than anything, I guess I was just trying to explain this to myself by writing it out.