A note to self

Hold on

better things are right around the corner

 

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Journal entry

Why won’t you stay gone?

Why do you keep coming back

Only to leave all over again?

-20/01/2016

Being Done

Its funny how when you think you are really done with someone you go around telling others and casually (but not so casually) announce it time and again that “I’m done!”. Hoping that that “done” would be the official one for you and you’d believe it once you say it out loud. And then past midnight when you lay awake in your bed drunk or even sober, you realise that man you’re far from done. You’re still stuck in that place. You’re still holding on. Still holding on to the memories of that person hoping they would somehow make it better.

No matter how many times you say it out loud to let the world know in order to let yourself know that you have moved one, you know deep down that you haven’t because you feel that longing when you listen to a song in the club, read that piece of poetry, go back to your conversations, really fight the urge to drunk dial, go over your journal entries of that person, just anything and everything that even remotely reminds you of them.

It does not happen overnight, as much as you wish it did, it does not work that way. And now that you started announcing to the world, you do not want to be perceived weak ( or dare i say uncool) by them so you don’t let anyone know that you really are not done. You shed a few tears in lonesome and make up some kind of a story for your lost and sad mood for those times.

Eventually, You get busy with your life, with work, with school, a show or friends. Now, It is probably that phase where you stopped announcing it out loud every time you get drunk.

And then, suddenly, one fine day when you lay awake past midnight a voice whispers in your head “you really are done”. It happens when you least expect it. Just like that. Did you even acknowledge the process? Hardly, but it sure leaves an impact. Is there a need to say it out loud now? Nope. Your heart knows it, it is living it!

Being done is not an announcement that you scream at the top of your lungs, it is a soft whisper which only you can hear that speaks those liberating words to you.

Chai time

So now that i have been home for a few months and my mother very conveniently hid the coffee somewhere, which usually belongs to me, seriously she only takes it out when we have guests over now and when they prefer coffee over chai or when she is fasting. That is the only time i get to smell the aroma of the mighty drink.

Seriously though, i needed to find my fix of caffeine since i wasn’t allowed to have coffee at home. I, now, drink chai. No kidding! me?! Who never even wanted to taste it for the 20 years of my existence, now i consume it thrice a day at least. How did it come to this?

I never thought myself to be a chai person. I make it with soy milk but still! CHAI! I drink CHAI now and i feel like i am cheating on coffee every time i do it. And i like it, a part of me questions why i never had it before and a part of me is just baffled that i am drinking chai on a daily basis now. And it tastes so good! But i miss coffee but i love chai now and now i am ranting. It is freaking 2:32am and i wanna make a cup of tea. There were times when i would sneak coffee in my bedroom ( not alcohol, not boys….but yeah coffee. i am pretty badass) and hide it under my bed every time my parents knocked on my bedroom door, and now i don’t even bother sneaking around and making it. What is even happening to me?

Maybe i should just start mixing them both and have it. That would be a fun experiment and it does not taste all that bad from what i remember back when i had it in Thailand.