Wishful Nostalgia

Do you ever feel nostalgic for something that did not even happen?

Something you wished so bad would happen but never did, or maybe you never had the courage to let it happen or you tried your damnest for it to happen, but well, the universe had the upper hand.

Maybe you felt disappointed for a while but eventually realised that it was for the better or maybe you made yourself believe that it was probably for the better. So now when you lay awake around that 2am time, how does it feel when you look back at it? Is it nostalgia for something you imagined would happen? And the imagination was so overpowering that it almost felt real? Does it happen often?

Does it leave you feeling empty? Does your heart ache a little too much even today though it was a long time ago?

Whether you’re aching or empty, let me tell you something, something i feel is the reason the situation turned out to be the way it did. Maybe it is better it never happened, because what if the disappointment of it never reaching the level of your imagination was way more heartbreaking?

What if unknowingly you were in for more ache than fulfilment?

I am aware about the whole deal of what ifs and how you shouldn’t live in what ifs but it happened once and that is okay, what is not okay is being so hard on yourself for the sole reason of the not-happening.

And this could be taken as a lesson to be taken forward for the next time you hold yourself back from something. There is too much to talk and write about that which did not happen because of the speculations and the freedom of imagination, Maybe that is what is creating poetry for someone, some kind of art for someone.

So don’t feel disheartened, you tried, even if you didn’t think you did, you tried and the universe acknowledged it.

 

August till now

Been doing that thing where I listen to way too much music and zone out more than usual.

That thing I do where i completely lose myself in a book to the point where reality is what appears as a break.

More sleeping than usual, more staying in bed even if it’s just Laying around and not getting work done.

Taking road trips just for the heck of it and trying to accomplish the task of reading along with not wanting to miss out on the view.

Just sitting by the window when it starts raining and doing nothing but listening to the sound of rain.

A little more observing and less speaking.

August, you’ve been one taking-it-easy on the self kinda month so far.

My thoughts on Rupi Kaur’s Milk and Honey.

This is that kind of a collection of poetry which will leave the readers either too underwhelmed or too overwhelmed. From what I have heard from people, this collection either became one of their absolute favourites or they were just gravely disappointed.

It is Divided into 4 parts, namely: the hurting, the loving, the breaking and the healing.

Trigger warning: rape and sexual abuse.

There is not much that I can really say to give an idea about this book so I am just going to talk about how I felt about it.

I bought this book after hearing rave reviews about it in all the bookish communities everywhere. The day it was delivered I went to a café near my college and finished it in one sitting, no kidding, it does not take long. The writing is nothing fancy though, so if you are looking for a literary masterpiece that you can break down and analyze, I do not think this book is it. But I think the simplicity of it is what makes it so special amongst many other things. This collection of modern poetry that doesn’t take a lot from you while reading, you don’t have to mentally prepare yourself to read some heavy poetry kind of thing, it is easy to absorb. There no going out of your way to understand and relate to it, it just happens effortlessly.

And it is not like I rushed through, I took my time absorbing every word, every line and allowing myself to feel whatever it was making me feel. There were parts of it that I felt connected to so much that I just had to close the book for a few sections and take in the reality of it. There were times when I had tears in my eyes, times when I actually felt lonely while reading, maybe it was like the reading was getting me to feel more than I signed up for.

Towards the end of reading this, I felt like I personally knew the poetess. Rupi just put everything possible out there and it was so beautifully done! Needless to say, it obviously became one of my favourites.

Rating: 5/5

This book is Raw and real.

The somewhat of this-is-how

Today i am sharing something i wrote a year ago, back in June when i was so badly trying to convince myself i was over someone i clearly wasn’t. Because being in denial is so much better right? Thankfully, i wrote this as a way to wrap my head around how to go about it and honestly, a year later, i am at a much much better place. Here goes,

i am getting there, its not like forgetting someone who you got attached to happens overnight.There is a particular way of how that happens. stages of it happening

1.The courage to make that decision- when you know that this whole things isn’t good for you and is turning out to be toxic there is no reason for you to stick around. Make sure you take this step before its too late. And even if you are too deep in it, its never too late. Put yourself first. After all, you shouldn’t need anyone who doesn’t need you.

 2.Do it- whether over a text, a letter, a call or doing that in person. just do it the way you’re comfortable with. It will be hard but you’ll thank yourself for it later. Tell that person how you’ve felt all along. Pour your heart out. (well, if that person feels the same then bingo! you’ve hit the jackpot).

3.Wallow- listen to sad music, a melange of heartbreaking and getting over kinda songs. listen to it. cry your eyes out. howl. wallow. eat your feelings. talk about it. seclude yourself for a while. its okay to cry over something that never happened but you kept on hoping anyways. Binge watch a show but after that do not escape this feeling. FACE it.

4.No stalking- You need to stop checking their social media. for real. and if you have any pictures of them, DELETE. not the messages though. keep them if you want, but resist the urge to read them because reading them will ultimately lead to wanting to text them and then you actually text them. Been there, done that. you won’t be proud of yourself. trust me on this.

5.Face the reality- come to terms with the fact that this whole situation isn’t made for the movie screen, and if it were meant to happen then it would’ve happened. stop trying so hard. stop chasing something that doesn’t want to be chased. That doesn’t want to be caught by you. respect yourself enough to walk out of such a situation. Your life is your movie, there is no market business, no profit from the audience, so you know you are the lead. know that you will get your happy ending. so don’t pretend, don’t put yourself through that for the heck of it.

6.Embrace it- whatever it is you’re feeling. write it down. write down the pros and cons. see which one wins. write down all the things you didn’t like about him/her. the times they made you cry, you got upset and they didn’t care and let you go to bed in a bitter mood, when they promised you something and didn’t keep it. you will automatically realize why you let go in the first place.

7. Start doing something new- work out, cook something, travel alone to a new country or the neighboring town, do something that makes you feel happy and proud of yourself.

Eventually, you’ll learn to not miss him/her. You’ll learn you don’t need anyone, at least fr now. Prioritize your needs. Don’t sacrifice easily. You’ll soon cherish his/her memories but trust me you wouldn’t wanna go back because you will have come so far.

 

 

Talking it out rant

Honestly sometimes I don’t understand how the brains of adults work but then again I am an adult too now. Which is really hard to believe because I either act like a 9 year old or at times I legit act like a 69 year old, so yeah I am either too young or too old, there is no in between.

The only time the in between is experienced when I get into an argument with my parents. That is when it feels like that I am actually a young adult. Because when you’re a kid you don’t really get to experience those intense fights with them and when you’re too old, well, you are just old and pretty much have lived more than half your life so I do not think they’re THAT concerned with you making a mistake.

All of that being said, let’s get to the whole argument thing when you are a young adult. You think you know things, maybe a little too much and your parents think you’re practically Jon Snow know when it comes to the world. You know nothing. So one simple thing which could have had a simple answer blows completely out of proportion and all of the things that you might have done wrong in your entire life come up erupting like lava from a volcano in the form of words. Let’s be honest, if it were up to them they would bring up things you did wrong in the past life as well.

You know, you are either the suffer in silence types who will just listen to them and not voice your opinion or you are straight up in the zone having an answer for everything that does not even come out as a question from them. But still, all you want is to be heard by them or at least given a chance to be heard, it sucks when the answer comes out to be no even before you finish the question. It is not always okay to be silent and let your parents always get away with voicing out whatever anger or opinions or comments they have, I get it that you do not want another argument, but that is not healthy. It will do nothing but make you passive aggressive in the future. You need to let your thoughts out even if it is your parents, and if you don’t think the middle of the argument is the right time then hear them out, let them cool down and speak to them to the next day when they are calm and are willing to listen. Do not bottle up your emotions like that, at the same time that does not mean that you say mean things and absolutely hurt them for no reason, what I mean is, talk to them and try to reason. Tell them what hurts you, things that are bothering you and the so and so things they should not have brought up in the argument the night before and how unfair that was.

Maybe things will be better after that, maybe they won’t but at least it would be a step you take towards handling things on your own in a way where at least you are letting your thoughts out and making them heard without the other person trying to cut you off again and again. I mean this is my way of dealing with these kinds of issues but I don’t know all of a sudden I don’t get why I am writing about this. Probably because I have something like that going on at home right now and after having heard everything and knowing that there was no point arguing back as nobody wanted to listen, I let it go like I always do and will talk it out in the morning.

This really feels more like a rant kind of post than anything, I guess I was just trying to explain this to myself by writing it out.

Manali haul

IMG_4025Recently I went to Manali for a trek and it was absolutely one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had, exhausting but beautiful. So being a trekking kind of a trip there was not a lot of shopping that we could do, I am not that fond of shopping anyway, unless it is about books then I go CRAZY. But we visited a couple of markets and found some cute stuff here and there. I only bought a handful of things which I really liked as soon as i saw them. I am the kind of person who shops at a very quick pace, like if  something catches my eye I will buy it, there is no time spent on browsing through things, I am that impatient. Which is why my mom does not like shopping with me.

Anyway, so first thing I did when we entered Manali was look up local bookstores and I found this really nice bookstore (they’re all nice tho). Our guide took me there because I kept requesting and would not let it go. So while everyone was shopping at the mall road, I was walking through these alleys and somewhere not so crowded as mall road to get to this bookstore. I will write more about the bookstore and the books I bought in the books section. I bought 3 books:

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  • Philosophy a very short introduction by Edward Craig
  • A farewell to arms by ernest hemingway
  • A Short History of a Small Place by T.R.Pearson

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I also bought an Eco-friendly handmade bookmark with a Dalai Lama quote on it and a few postcards for 15 rupees each.

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Next I knew exactly what I wanted so I went searching for it which was not at all difficult because almost every shop had it, The Prayer Flags. Yeah the ones which almost everyone gets when they visit the north. I could have asked anyone I know to get it for me whenever they visited but I wanted to get one for myself.

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The Flag comes in different sizes and I bought the first one I saw. I got it for 50 rupees, usually I bargain everywhere but here I did not want to, since it is a Prayer Flag. These Prayer Flags consist of the colours wherein each colour symbolizes an element. Blue represents sky, white-wind,red-fire, green-water, yellow-earth. The one I got is the horizontal flag also known as Lung Dar. After reading a bit on this I found out that it is better to receive them as a gift, well, good thing I got one for my friend.

On the last day we went to old Manali again and I bought a kurti which can be worn as a dress as well. I spotted this kurti while strolling through one of the lanes of old Manali,  it was displayed outside the shop. Not only did I buy it, I made my cousins buy the same one in different colours. Also convinced the shopkeeper to sell it for 300 rupees instead 600.

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Once again

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I need to start writing again. It has been a while since I actually sat down and wrote something in my journal. The constant restlessness that I am gripped by does not let go any further than a little bit of scribbling here and there in my journal or the notes app on my phone. These days, I find it so hard to just sit down and put my thought into words, it use to be effortless. Journaling was my thing, something I have been doing since I was 14. The past few months I have been disconnected from the things that bring me nothing but pure joy, like reading, journaling and even working out. I have almost forgotten what it is like to be navigated by my thoughts while my pen being the medium to help me get where ever there is. Pretty ironic considering how it my thoughts along with everything else that makes me feel so lost and confused but as soon as I start to pen them down, it is as if they become real and make sense. So even if I do not find the solution I feel better by the time I see the voices in my head on a paper.

I deleted yet another blog. No matter how many times I create one, I end up deleting, I start disliking it and become super conscious about what if someone is reading and about what they might think of me, Which is something that is obviously going to happen because it is a blog post and I am putting it out there in the world, my thoughts, so if someone reads it they are going to have an opinion. It is me who is going to have to not be so conscious and start believing in myself a little more, because if I don’t, who will? So here is another attempt at blogging, not for any but myself. This is my own little corner on the internet. I decided to go along with this because there is something that I am waiting for and while the wait feels excruciatingly long every day, I am going to blog my anxiety away.