I’d almost gone to bed

I had a lot of breakdowns last semester, a lot. Some of them were the results of putting myself in certain situations and some of them were because of being put in certain situations, despite my futile efforts to get out of them. Even the most genuine (though miniaml) efforts fell short for a lot of things from academics to relationships, and so, everything was exhausting. Or maybe even the little efforts I was taking felt like a herculean task because of my state of mind. Maybe that was why it was all so exhausting. A lot happened and a lot did not happen. Some of it to my liking and some of it despite.

I was nicely tucked in bed a couple of minutes ago, I had gone to bed just a few minutes after my nighttime rituals. But as soon as I shut my eyes, I recalled the previous semester and how I had felt like such a failure. I’m supposed to leave for university again in 3 days and everything was going well until now, till I recalled every bad thing that happened and my mind just went into this state of pre-breakdown mode. I know that mode, that state. That warm up before a breakdown, I know it all too well. I could feel that whirlpool of anxiety in my stomach demanding my being. I couldn’t let it get to that. Tears started welling up in my eyes.

My tossing and turning in bed followed finally giving up and going to the kitchen to make a cup of chai. Chai calms me down. I went in the kitchen around 4:30 and could hear my neighbor’s wake up alarm. The world is waking up and I haven’t even gone to bed (this should probably be the title of my biography or something).

Now here I am, sipping on my chai, hopelessly typing this so I can make sense of what’s happening.

But hey on the bright side, I saved myself from a breakdown, from going to a bad place, from feeling sorry for myself and from crying myself to sleep yet another night. I get that sometimes breakdowns are necessary but in my case, I crumble way too easy and too fast. And I got a hold of myself today, I didn’t even realize. Earlier if something like this happened I’d get carried away, feel super drained and try to see my therapist as soon as possible. But tonight (or this morning?) I don’t feel like that. It’s a very okay feeling actually, I don’t feel like my mood has switched completely or anything but I definitely feel better. Like the kind of okay that is just okay and not a good okay or a bad okay but the actual ‘okay’ okay.

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