Sometimes, a lot of people find it really hard to believe it when i say that my mood is equally as bad as my period pain when it comes to that time of the month. Like not i-wanna-kill everyone bad but more like nothing ever matters and nothing ever will. That is the kind of bad i am talking about. And every time time i come to know that my period will be arriving soon is not because of a calendar or something but because there will be these days where i would feel super low and i will cry for no reason or just cry because i feel like it. I will cry in the shower, i will cry myself to sleep and just put on my sad playlist and cry to every song on it.
It is not some kind of momentary thing, it will last for good 7-8 days and that just sucks because then my mood has already waved goodbye to any motivation i had. Do you ever just feel like there is this whirlpool inside of you which is just sucking on any emotion you have and then all you are left with is emptiness? It is just you walking around with your emptiness, sleeping with it, barely eating or eating a lot owing to it, and existing without any motivation to fill something up in that empty space?
Well, i have had this go on for many years and there has to be something done about it. I do allow myself to stay in bed longer than usual without feeling guilty about it and watch some super emotional stuff that will make me cry harder. But i feel like something should be done so that this feeling does not feel prolonged. Here are the things that i hope turns that mood around for you or just make you feel somewhat better:
- If you are in the habit of journaling then read the pages where you have written about some good times you’ve had. If not, then just scroll through your gallery and look at those photos when you were all happy.
- Read, watch or in any way just go through something that you have been passionate about. It could be photography, traveling, dancing, something you must have doodled about the things you really like and allow that to make you feel something.
- I know they say that you should not drink coffee when you are on your periods but honestly coffee works for me because it gives me that kick and sipping it while going through something that inspires me really motivates me to do something.
- If coffee isn’t your things then hot chocolate or tea with a little bit of vanilla in both really helps, i strongly recommend it to go with a feel-good movie.
- Read your favorite chapter from a book or watch a favorite episode from a show you like.
These are the things that help me get through these kind of gloomy days.
For a second there
I forgot about the chaos outside
And about the raging storm inside
For a second there
I forgot about the fact that
My feelings should be caged
Because I am in a public place
For a second there
I totally forgot about
The responsibility of having
To study for a test tomorrow
For those few seconds
It was just me with my journal
And the music playing in my ears
A private conversation between us
Unknown to those around
It was the comfort of an unnerving solitude
For those few seconds
I refused to see the situation
As either black or white
During a storm
Grey is how the sky appears
But for a second there
I embraced it
And I swear
Nothing felt more beautiful.
Honestly sometimes I don’t understand how the brains of adults work but then again I am an adult too now. Which is really hard to believe because I either act like a 9 year old or at times I legit act like a 69 year old, so yeah I am either too young or too old, there is no in between.
The only time the in between is experienced when I get into an argument with my parents. That is when it feels like that I am actually a young adult. Because when you’re a kid you don’t really get to experience those intense fights with them and when you’re too old, well, you are just old and pretty much have lived more than half your life so I do not think they’re THAT concerned with you making a mistake.
All of that being said, let’s get to the whole argument thing when you are a young adult. You think you know things, maybe a little too much and your parents think you’re practically Jon Snow know when it comes to the world. You know nothing. So one simple thing which could have had a simple answer blows completely out of proportion and all of the things that you might have done wrong in your entire life come up erupting like lava from a volcano in the form of words. Let’s be honest, if it were up to them they would bring up things you did wrong in the past life as well.
You know, you are either the suffer in silence types who will just listen to them and not voice your opinion or you are straight up in the zone having an answer for everything that does not even come out as a question from them. But still, all you want is to be heard by them or at least given a chance to be heard, it sucks when the answer comes out to be no even before you finish the question. It is not always okay to be silent and let your parents always get away with voicing out whatever anger or opinions or comments they have, I get it that you do not want another argument, but that is not healthy. It will do nothing but make you passive aggressive in the future. You need to let your thoughts out even if it is your parents, and if you don’t think the middle of the argument is the right time then hear them out, let them cool down and speak to them to the next day when they are calm and are willing to listen. Do not bottle up your emotions like that, at the same time that does not mean that you say mean things and absolutely hurt them for no reason, what I mean is, talk to them and try to reason. Tell them what hurts you, things that are bothering you and the so and so things they should not have brought up in the argument the night before and how unfair that was.
Maybe things will be better after that, maybe they won’t but at least it would be a step you take towards handling things on your own in a way where at least you are letting your thoughts out and making them heard without the other person trying to cut you off again and again. I mean this is my way of dealing with these kinds of issues but I don’t know all of a sudden I don’t get why I am writing about this. Probably because I have something like that going on at home right now and after having heard everything and knowing that there was no point arguing back as nobody wanted to listen, I let it go like I always do and will talk it out in the morning.
This really feels more like a rant kind of post than anything, I guess I was just trying to explain this to myself by writing it out.
this is what we call nothing.
what is wrong with you?
What’s bothering you?
When it’s everything and anything.
How do you explain that?
Nothing is not nothing anymore.
It is simply a synonym for the lack of words, and courage
and for exhaustion.
As i sit here beside the window overlooking this city finally being blessed with the rain, all I want to do is just smile and take it all in. I know it is supposed to be a vacation and I am supposed to be somewhere else with someone, anyone. I should be whining and cribbing to someone about how much period pain sucks. I should be going to bed because I have a french class to attend early in the morning tomorrow. Even though it is a Sunday.
But here I am, sitting on a bed sans a bed sheet in new room with absolutely no one around me (there probably isn’t anyone on the entire floor) and I cannot help but feel really content. I love it, I am not going to lie, as much as I love being around friends and family there will always come a point where socializing becomes too much and I yearn some solitude. I treasure those secluded times I get. Then there is always that someone who tells me that my life is sad when they find out about this. But I think everyone has their own definition of what makes them sad.
It has become a ritual now. One of the days of the weekends I take myself out and explore this place by walking around and going to Cafés. I have a thing for cute and cozy looking cafés and they get me really excited for some reason. And just because my friends are not in town does not mean I will just sit in my room and binge watch shows (which also is a good option). Today I did not have a choice of going very far so I just went to Starbucks because that will always be my back up when I am running late or too lazy to go to a new place. I sat in my usual cozy little corner, grabbed a cup of coffee and read Harry Potter.
If there is one thing that I really like about myself, and there are not a lot, is how I am so okay with being by myself and how I don’t always need people . I don’t wait for anyone if there is something that I want to do, I just do it because I am doing it for myself and it makes me happy. And mind you, I have a very low self-esteem but that does not stop me taking myself out now and then. Honestly I enjoy my company the most, which I will admit is weird. But that is okay because I like weird. Going out and spending time with myself among strangers has not only been building my self-esteem but has also been giving me confidence and making me believe in myself.
Has it ever felt like you have a reached a point where just thinking about anxiety makes you really anxious?
Like me, do you think about it all the time too? About what it would be like to be the person who is always confident and not anxious all the time?.
What it would be like to be someone who is not always afraid of doing things without the fear of being heavily judged/criticized?.
What it would be like to not let your panic attacks and anxiety get the best of you?.
What it would be like to not always doubt yourself and believe that voice inside which gets reduced to a whisper every time your mind starts panicking?
It is like there are these bars around you and even though they are very much breakable, you just freeze and feel like you can’t. That you are not strong enough. Anxiety is just exhausting to the point that it drains you of all your positivity. It is this inner battle you are fighting every single day that nobody is aware of. There are days when you want to make an effort and fight it but there are also those days when you just feel lost even before trying.
Anxiety either gets the best of you and makes you feel like a loser or you show your best self to anxiety and win one battle at a time. On the days when you feel like it is your day to win, weaken the power of anxiety and strengthen your soul by believing in yourself. Anxiety is just something you experience but it is not who you are. It is not what you are made of.
And then one day you won’t have to imagine a life without anxiety, You would be living it.
There was a time once in my life for a brief period , you know just like it is in the fairy tales where everyone knows the ending is going to be a happy one.
when i use to be one of those people who had it all figured out, knew exactly what i wanted, and I was pretty much in control of myself.
and then i wasn’t that girl anymore.
It seems like forever ago that time, that girl seems like a stranger as i flip through the pages of her journals, i am pretty sure if i meet her today i won’t even be able to recognize her. she would probably look down on this version of me or maybe i’d be intimated by her. The mirror wouldn’t show the same reflection if i went back in time, I am home and people don’t see the same girl smiling back at them and it is not the same daughter my parents had yet not a soul is aware of that and i don’t think anyone would ever be. It is an internal transition, a turmoil of pain, struggle, confusion and anxiety which in an unusual way is projected out as a perfectly normal girl who does not have any issues as long as she is a virgin and making an acceptable career choice.
It scares me to think of who i am and if that person was me at all, i have thought of it all, whether this is a phase, if my mind is just playing with me but somewhere deep down i hear a whisper from within trying to warn me that the girl is long gone and i should just let it be. I don’t want to fight this person, nor do i want to try and hold on that image of the 16 year old me. This it is time for some kind of transformation, this is time to move on from Disney movies to some hardcore real life drama where there is a lot more to life than just waiting for a guy to rescue you while you sing away your sorrows. My life feels like a a version of wild gone wrong where i get horribly lost in the woods and for some reason that feels anxiously comfortable. Is that even possible?
I want to take life as it comes rather than keep escaping it behind the image that society has of me. I would much rather want to experience it, with all of its raw and explicitness , let it hit me and hit me hard if that is what it would take to make me the person that i am going to be. So be it.
I am done being that girl, From now on it is always going to be about THIS girl. Someday this girl is going to be that girl eventually but till that time i will have learned how to not dwell on the image/identity frozen in time.