I had a lot of breakdowns last semester, a lot. Some of them were the results of putting myself in certain situations and some of them were because of being put in certain situations, despite my futile efforts to get out of them. Even the most genuine (though miniaml) efforts fell short for a lot of things from academics to relationships, and so, everything was exhausting. Or maybe even the little efforts I was taking felt like a herculean task because of my state of mind. Maybe that was why it was all so exhausting. A lot happened and a lot did not happen. Some of it to my liking and some of it despite.
I was nicely tucked in bed a couple of minutes ago, I had gone to bed just a few minutes after my nighttime rituals. But as soon as I shut my eyes, I recalled the previous semester and how I had felt like such a failure. I’m supposed to leave for university again in 3 days and everything was going well until now, till I recalled every bad thing that happened and my mind just went into this state of pre-breakdown mode. I know that mode, that state. That warm up before a breakdown, I know it all too well. I could feel that whirlpool of anxiety in my stomach demanding my being. I couldn’t let it get to that. Tears started welling up in my eyes.
My tossing and turning in bed followed finally giving up and going to the kitchen to make a cup of chai. Chai calms me down. I went in the kitchen around 4:30 and could hear my neighbor’s wake up alarm. The world is waking up and I haven’t even gone to bed (this should probably be the title of my biography or something).
Now here I am, sipping on my chai, hopelessly typing this so I can make sense of what’s happening.
But hey on the bright side, I saved myself from a breakdown, from going to a bad place, from feeling sorry for myself and from crying myself to sleep yet another night. I get that sometimes breakdowns are necessary but in my case, I crumble way too easy and too fast. And I got a hold of myself today, I didn’t even realize. Earlier if something like this happened I’d get carried away, feel super drained and try to see my therapist as soon as possible. But tonight (or this morning?) I don’t feel like that. It’s a very okay feeling actually, I don’t feel like my mood has switched completely or anything but I definitely feel better. Like the kind of okay that is just okay and not a good okay or a bad okay but the actual ‘okay’ okay.
Why won’t you stay gone?
Why do you keep coming back
Only to leave all over again?
If there was so much
that i wanted to say to you
Why was i at a loss of words
every time we met?
Do you ever feel nostalgic for something that did not even happen?
Something you wished so bad would happen but never did, or maybe you never had the courage to let it happen or you tried your damnest for it to happen, but well, the universe had the upper hand.
Maybe you felt disappointed for a while but eventually realised that it was for the better or maybe you made yourself believe that it was probably for the better. So now when you lay awake around 2am, how does it feel when you look back? Is it a nostalgia for something you imagined would happen? And the imagination was so overpowering that it almost felt real? Does it happen often?
Does it leave you feeling empty? Does your heart ache a little too much even today though it was a long time ago?
Whether you’re aching or empty, let me tell you something, something i feel is the reason the situation turned out to be the way it did. Maybe it is better it never happened, because what if the disappointment of it never reaching the level of your imagination was way more heartbreaking?
What if unknowingly you were in for more ache than fulfilment?
I am aware about the whole deal of what ifs and how you shouldn’t live in what ifs but it happened once and that is okay, what is not okay is being so hard on yourself for the sole reason of the not-happening.
And this could be taken as a lesson to be taken forward for the next time you hold yourself back from something. There is too much to talk and write about that which did not happen because of the speculations and the freedom of imagination, Maybe that is what is writing poetry for someone, some kind of art for someone.
So don’t feel disheartened, you tried, even if you didn’t think you did, you tried and the universe acknowledged it.
Been doing that thing where I listen to way too much music and zone out more than usual.
That thing I do where i completely lose myself in a book to the point where reality is what appears as a break.
More sleeping than usual, more staying in bed even if it’s just lying around and not getting work done.
Taking road trips just for the heck of it and trying to accomplish the task of reading along with not wanting to miss out on the view.
Just sitting by the window when it starts raining and doing nothing but listening to the sound of rain.
A little more contemplating and less speaking.
August, you’ve been one taking-it-easy on the self kinda month so far.
For all i know
Falling for someone
has only felt like
my heart feeling heavier.
isn’t it suppose to be
the other way around?