Journal entry

Why won’t you stay gone?

Why do you keep coming back

Only to leave all over again?

-20/01/2016

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Being Done

Its funny how when you think you are really done with someone you go around telling others and casually (but not so casually) announce it time and again that “I’m done!”. Hoping that that “done” would be the official one for you and you’d believe it once you say it out loud. And then past midnight when you lay awake in your bed drunk or even sober, you realise that man you’re far from done. You’re still stuck in that place. You’re still holding on. Still holding on to the memories of that person hoping they would somehow make it better.

No matter how many times you say it out loud to let the world know in order to let yourself know that you have moved one, you know deep down that you haven’t because you feel that longing when you listen to a song in the club, read that piece of poetry, go back to your conversations, really fight the urge to drunk dial, go over your journal entries of that person, just anything and everything that even remotely reminds you of them.

It does not happen overnight, as much as you wish it did, it does not work that way. And now that you started announcing to the world, you do not want to be perceived weak ( or dare i say uncool) by them so you don’t let anyone know that you really are not done. You shed a few tears in lonesome and make up some kind of a story for your lost and sad mood for those times.

Eventually, You get busy with your life, with work, with school, a show or friends. Now, It is probably that phase where you stopped announcing it out loud every time you get drunk.

And then, suddenly, one fine day when you lay awake past midnight a voice whispers in your head “you really are done”. It happens when you least expect it. Just like that. Did you even acknowledge the process? Hardly, but it sure leaves an impact. Is there a need to say it out loud now? Nope. Your heart knows it, it is living it!

Being done is not an announcement that you scream at the top of your lungs, it is a soft whisper which only you can hear that speaks those liberating words to you.

Wishful Nostalgia

Do you ever feel nostalgic for something that did not even happen?

Something you wished so bad would happen but never did, or maybe you never had the courage to let it happen or you tried your damnest for it to happen, but well, the universe had the upper hand.

Maybe you felt disappointed for a while but eventually realised that it was for the better or maybe you made yourself believe that it was probably for the better. So now when you lay awake around that 2am time, how does it feel when you look back at it? Is it nostalgia for something you imagined would happen? And the imagination was so overpowering that it almost felt real? Does it happen often?

Does it leave you feeling empty? Does your heart ache a little too much even today though it was a long time ago?

Whether you’re aching or empty, let me tell you something, something i feel is the reason the situation turned out to be the way it did. Maybe it is better it never happened, because what if the disappointment of it never reaching the level of your imagination was way more heartbreaking?

What if unknowingly you were in for more ache than fulfilment?

I am aware about the whole deal of what ifs and how you shouldn’t live in what ifs but it happened once and that is okay, what is not okay is being so hard on yourself for the sole reason of the not-happening.

And this could be taken as a lesson to be taken forward for the next time you hold yourself back from something. There is too much to talk and write about that which did not happen because of the speculations and the freedom of imagination, Maybe that is what is creating poetry for someone, some kind of art for someone.

So don’t feel disheartened, you tried, even if you didn’t think you did, you tried and the universe acknowledged it.

 

August till now

Been doing that thing where I listen to way too much music and zone out more than usual.

That thing I do where i completely lose myself in a book to the point where reality is what appears as a break.

More sleeping than usual, more staying in bed even if it’s just Laying around and not getting work done.

Taking road trips just for the heck of it and trying to accomplish the task of reading along with not wanting to miss out on the view.

Just sitting by the window when it starts raining and doing nothing but listening to the sound of rain.

A little more observing and less speaking.

August, you’ve been one taking-it-easy on the self kinda month so far.

MAUERBAUERTRAURIGKEIT

-The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.

This concept isn’t alien to me. I’ve been doing this ever since can remember, its not something i have to struggle with…it just happens, rather i make it happen. Because i convince myself to believe that’s the way it should be. That maybe everyone around me would be better off that way, and so would i. I’m a pro at pushing people away. Now even though i am more of a suffer in silence kind of a person, I think that i know that the person won’t stick around after a while and before getting too attached to someone i do it, i disappear and honestly that kind of is unfair  to the  people who really  care about me, and i make these cowardly moves where i shut them out of my life and i am the one sulking because, well, i am that emotional indeed. I know very well that it is not fair on them and but i let myself assume that its not like it would matter, like i would matter.Those are the moments i don’t get whether the devil on my shoulder is saving me or preparing me for my own personal hellish experience that’s about to arrive.
But i don’t want to do this anymore and i am working on it. I pushed so many people away to the point where now when we talk at times it feels like they’re strangers and i yearn to have those bitch-you-know-you’re-my-person kinda talks. I’ve distanced myself from everyone way too many people who could’ve been important and who still are. I’m learning to wear my heart on my sleeve. And i’m not afraid of doing that anymore. The realization that pushing someone away is just selfish and insensitive on both parties is enough for me. And also i’m learning to love myself again, so there’s no way i’m putting myself through this kind of shit from now on. Its been way to long. Its time i deal with situations rather than escape.
It took me 21 years to get this..but better late than never.

Days when

IMG_4157You are not always going to be all rainbows and sunshine

there are going to be days when you are going to be a raging storm

no matter how many parties you go to and no matter how many friends you have

there are going to be days when you will find yourself not having anyone by your side

days when you feel disconnected with your own self

days when even social media won’t be able to distract you

days when no matter how many times you try to find a shelter

the storm will break through all of that

because it so overwhelmingly

demands your attention

So let it rage, my dear, do not suppress it, not again

let it take over and create something out of it,

write, paint, sing, dance, run

let it go and create something

so beautifully broken out of it

for only a few can see the beauty in the storm

and you,dear one, are one of those.

 

Why i take myself out every once in a while

IMG_3221As i sit here beside the window overlooking this city finally being blessed with the rain, all I want to do is just smile and take it all in. I know it is supposed to be a vacation and I am supposed to be somewhere else with someone, anyone. I should be whining and cribbing to someone about how much period pain sucks. I should be going to bed because I have a french class to attend early in the morning tomorrow. Even though it is a Sunday.

But here I am, sitting on a bed sans a bed sheet in new room with absolutely no one around me (there probably isn’t anyone on the entire floor) and I cannot help but feel really content. I love it, I am not going to lie, as much as I love being around friends and family there will always come a point where socializing becomes too much and I yearn some solitude. I treasure those secluded times I get.  Then there is always that someone who tells me that my life is sad when they find out about this. But I think everyone has their own definition of what makes them sad. 

It has become a ritual now. One of the days of the weekends I take myself out and explore this place by walking around and going to Cafés. I have a thing for cute and cozy looking cafés and they get me really excited for some reason. And just because my friends are not in town does not mean I will just sit in my room and binge watch shows (which also is a good option). Today I did not have a choice of going very far so I just went to Starbucks because that will always be my back up when I am running late or too lazy to go to a new place. I sat in my usual cozy little corner, grabbed a cup of coffee and read Harry Potter. 

If there is one thing that I really like about myself, and there are not a lot, is how I am so okay with being by myself and how I don’t always need people . I don’t wait for anyone if there is something that I want to do, I just do it because I am doing it for myself and it makes me happy. And mind you, I have a very low self-esteem but that does not stop me taking myself out now and then. Honestly I enjoy my company the most, which I will admit is weird. But that is okay because I like weird. Going out and spending time with myself among strangers has not only been building my self-esteem but has also been giving me confidence and making me believe in myself.