Mini list – What i’m currently thankful for

One thing I have noticed about myself every time I get my period is my tendency to be super irritated, sad and negative all the time. These days my journal is filled with rants and only about the things that I find really annoying. Flipping through the pages I realized how my journaling has changed so much over the years. More like what I fill my journal with. As and when university progressed my journaling habit reduced and the only time I’d journal would be if I was ever sad, annoyed or just angry. My earlier journals rarely ever had that kind of content. It was mostly my daily moments, things I was thankful for, certain lists, stories about places and people and additions to the things I wanted to do in life and the places I wanted to see. I have barely had any of that in my last 2 journals. It’s all heartbreak stories, complaints and sad poetry (if it all it can be called that).

So today while wallowing over nothing in particular this along with binging on a show and a reading a book I decided to make a short list of the things that I’m currently thankful for.

  • I finally got into the habit of doing yoga after years of failed attempts so yay. I religiously do the traditional yoga every day for an hour now.
  • I moved into a new place with 2 of my friends and now I have a room of my own. My safe space ❤
  • Got a money plant for my room and named her lulu. She’s pretty, small and lives in the corner of my room.
  • A feel-good show like ‘This is us’ which makes me cry but gives a good vibe also.
  • Received an old copy of ‘Chocolat’ from a friend. He got from a second-hand bookstore in Norway.
  • Speaking of books, I’m reading a good book (so far) right now- The forty rules of love by Elif Shafak.
  • My tapestry finally stays on the wall. For an entire semester it kept falling down, sometimes I would wake up to it just covering me like a blanket.
  • Finding beautiful songs because of the soundtracks of certain shows and movies.
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I am trying

I am trying to live in the here and now. to just breathe. be aware of my immediate surrounding. of my state in the present. I am trying to slow down, to listen to sound of the rain, the sweet melody of the raindrops blessing the earth.i am trying to let myself get carried away with every page I read, to close my eyes and really feel the music and not just listen. I am trying to sip on my chai and savour it rather than just mindlessly drink it. I am trying to be thankful for the present by living in it.

Current read: The forty rules of love by Elif Shafak

type of tea: Chai

Songs/band: Cigarettes after sex

I’d almost gone to bed

I had a lot of breakdowns last semester, a lot. Some of them were the results of putting myself in certain situations and some of them were because of being put in certain situations, despite my futile efforts to get out of them. Even the most genuine (though miniaml) efforts fell short for a lot of things from academics to relationships, and so, everything was exhausting. Or maybe even the little efforts I was taking felt like a herculean task because of my state of mind. Maybe that was why it was all so exhausting. A lot happened and a lot did not happen. Some of it to my liking and some of it despite.

I was nicely tucked in bed a couple of minutes ago, I had gone to bed just a few minutes after my nighttime rituals. But as soon as I shut my eyes, I recalled the previous semester and how I had felt like such a failure. I’m supposed to leave for university again in 3 days and everything was going well until now, till I recalled every bad thing that happened and my mind just went into this state of pre-breakdown mode. I know that mode, that state. That warm up before a breakdown, I know it all too well. I could feel that whirlpool of anxiety in my stomach demanding my being. I couldn’t let it get to that. Tears started welling up in my eyes.

My tossing and turning in bed followed finally giving up and going to the kitchen to make a cup of chai. Chai calms me down. I went in the kitchen around 4:30 and could hear my neighbor’s wake up alarm. The world is waking up and I haven’t even gone to bed (this should probably be the title of my biography or something).

Now here I am, sipping on my chai, hopelessly typing this so I can make sense of what’s happening.

But hey on the bright side, I saved myself from a breakdown, from going to a bad place, from feeling sorry for myself and from crying myself to sleep yet another night. I get that sometimes breakdowns are necessary but in my case, I crumble way too easy and too fast. And I got a hold of myself today, I didn’t even realize. Earlier if something like this happened I’d get carried away, feel super drained and try to see my therapist as soon as possible. But tonight (or this morning?) I don’t feel like that. It’s a very okay feeling actually, I don’t feel like my mood has switched completely or anything but I definitely feel better. Like the kind of okay that is just okay and not a good okay or a bad okay but the actual ‘okay’ okay.

Journal entry

Why won’t you stay gone?

Why do you keep coming back

Only to leave all over again?

-20/01/2016

Being Done

Its funny how when you think you are really done with someone you go around telling others and casually (but not so casually) announce it time and again that “I’m done!”. Hoping that that “done” would be the official one for you and you’d believe it once you say it out loud. And then past midnight when you lay awake in your bed drunk or even sober, you realise that man you’re far from done. You’re still stuck in that place. You’re still holding on. Still holding on to the memories of that person hoping they would somehow make it better.

No matter how many times you say it out loud to let the world know in order to let yourself know that you have moved one, you know deep down that you haven’t because you feel that longing when you listen to a song in the club, read that piece of poetry, go back to your conversations, really fight the urge to drunk dial, go over your journal entries of that person, just anything and everything that even remotely reminds you of them.

It does not happen overnight, as much as you wish it did, it does not work that way. And now that you started announcing to the world, you do not want to be perceived weak ( or dare i say uncool) by them so you don’t let anyone know that you really are not done. You shed a few tears in lonesome and make up some kind of a story for your lost and sad mood for those times.

Eventually, You get busy with your life, with work, with school, a show or friends. Now, It is probably that phase where you stopped announcing it out loud every time you get drunk.

And then, suddenly, one fine day when you lay awake past midnight a voice whispers in your head “you really are done”. It happens when you least expect it. Just like that. Did you even acknowledge the process? Hardly, but it sure leaves an impact. Is there a need to say it out loud now? Nope. Your heart knows it, it is living it!

Being done is not an announcement that you scream at the top of your lungs, it is a soft whisper which only you can hear that speaks those liberating words to you.

Wishful Nostalgia

Do you ever feel nostalgic for something that did not even happen?

Something you wished so bad would happen but never did, or maybe you never had the courage to let it happen or you tried your damnest for it to happen, but well, the universe had the upper hand.

Maybe you felt disappointed for a while but eventually realised that it was for the better or maybe you made yourself believe that it was probably for the better. So now when you lay awake around 2am, how does it feel when you look back? Is it a nostalgia for something you imagined would happen? And the imagination was so overpowering that it almost felt real? Does it happen often?

Does it leave you feeling empty? Does your heart ache a little too much even today though it was a long time ago?

Whether you’re aching or empty, let me tell you something, something i feel is the reason the situation turned out to be the way it did. Maybe it is better it never happened, because what if the disappointment of it never reaching the level of your imagination was way more heartbreaking?

What if unknowingly you were in for more ache than fulfilment?

I am aware about the whole deal of what ifs and how you shouldn’t live in what ifs but it happened once and that is okay, what is not okay is being so hard on yourself for the sole reason of the not-happening.

And this could be taken as a lesson to be taken forward for the next time you hold yourself back from something. There is too much to talk and write about that which did not happen because of the speculations and the freedom of imagination, Maybe that is what is writing poetry for someone, some kind of art for someone.

So don’t feel disheartened, you tried, even if you didn’t think you did, you tried and the universe acknowledged it.