Journal entry

Why won’t you stay gone?

Why do you keep coming back

Only to leave all over again?

-20/01/2016

Advertisements

Being Done

Its funny how when you think you are really done with someone you go around telling others and casually (but not so casually) announce it time and again that “I’m done!”. Hoping that that “done” would be the official one for you and you’d believe it once you say it out loud. And then past midnight when you lay awake in your bed drunk or even sober, you realise that man you’re far from done. You’re still stuck in that place. You’re still holding on. Still holding on to the memories of that person hoping they would somehow make it better.

No matter how many times you say it out loud to let the world know in order to let yourself know that you have moved one, you know deep down that you haven’t because you feel that longing when you listen to a song in the club, read that piece of poetry, go back to your conversations, really fight the urge to drunk dial, go over your journal entries of that person, just anything and everything that even remotely reminds you of them.

It does not happen overnight, as much as you wish it did, it does not work that way. And now that you started announcing to the world, you do not want to be perceived weak ( or dare i say uncool) by them so you don’t let anyone know that you really are not done. You shed a few tears in lonesome and make up some kind of a story for your lost and sad mood for those times.

Eventually, You get busy with your life, with work, with school, a show or friends. Now, It is probably that phase where you stopped announcing it out loud every time you get drunk.

And then, suddenly, one fine day when you lay awake past midnight a voice whispers in your head “you really are done”. It happens when you least expect it. Just like that. Did you even acknowledge the process? Hardly, but it sure leaves an impact. Is there a need to say it out loud now? Nope. Your heart knows it, it is living it!

Being done is not an announcement that you scream at the top of your lungs, it is a soft whisper which only you can hear that speaks those liberating words to you.

Wishful Nostalgia

Do you ever feel nostalgic for something that did not even happen?

Something you wished so bad would happen but never did, or maybe you never had the courage to let it happen or you tried your damnest for it to happen, but well, the universe had the upper hand.

Maybe you felt disappointed for a while but eventually realised that it was for the better or maybe you made yourself believe that it was probably for the better. So now when you lay awake around that 2am time, how does it feel when you look back at it? Is it nostalgia for something you imagined would happen? And the imagination was so overpowering that it almost felt real? Does it happen often?

Does it leave you feeling empty? Does your heart ache a little too much even today though it was a long time ago?

Whether you’re aching or empty, let me tell you something, something i feel is the reason the situation turned out to be the way it did. Maybe it is better it never happened, because what if the disappointment of it never reaching the level of your imagination was way more heartbreaking?

What if unknowingly you were in for more ache than fulfilment?

I am aware about the whole deal of what ifs and how you shouldn’t live in what ifs but it happened once and that is okay, what is not okay is being so hard on yourself for the sole reason of the not-happening.

And this could be taken as a lesson to be taken forward for the next time you hold yourself back from something. There is too much to talk and write about that which did not happen because of the speculations and the freedom of imagination, Maybe that is what is creating poetry for someone, some kind of art for someone.

So don’t feel disheartened, you tried, even if you didn’t think you did, you tried and the universe acknowledged it.

 

August till now

Been doing that thing where I listen to way too much music and zone out more than usual.

That thing I do where i completely lose myself in a book to the point where reality is what appears as a break.

More sleeping than usual, more staying in bed even if it’s just Laying around and not getting work done.

Taking road trips just for the heck of it and trying to accomplish the task of reading along with not wanting to miss out on the view.

Just sitting by the window when it starts raining and doing nothing but listening to the sound of rain.

A little more observing and less speaking.

August, you’ve been one taking-it-easy on the self kinda month so far.

Imagining a life without anxiety

Has it ever felt like you have a reached a point where just thinking about anxiety makes you really anxious?

Like me, do you think about it all the time too? About what it would be like to be the person who is always confident and not anxious all the time?.

What it would be like to be someone who is not always afraid of doing things without the fear of being heavily judged/criticized?.

What it would be like to not let your panic attacks and anxiety get the best of you?.

What it would be like to not always doubt yourself and believe that voice inside which gets reduced to a whisper every time your mind starts panicking?

It is like there are these bars around you and even though they are very much breakable, you just freeze and feel like you can’t. That you are not strong enough. Anxiety is just exhausting to the point that it drains you of all your positivity. It is this inner battle you are fighting every single day that nobody is aware of. There are days when you want to make an effort and fight it but there are also those days when you just feel lost even before trying.

Anxiety either gets the best of you and makes you feel like a loser or you show your best self to anxiety and win one battle at a time. On the days when you feel like it is your day to win, weaken the power of anxiety and strengthen your soul by believing in yourself. Anxiety is just something you experience but it is not who you are. It is not what you are made of.

And then one day you won’t have to imagine a life without anxiety, You would be living it.