Wishful Nostalgia

Do you ever feel nostalgic for something that did not even happen?

Something you wished so bad would happen but never did, or maybe you never had the courage to let it happen or you tried your damnest for it to happen, but well, the universe had the upper hand.

Maybe you felt disappointed for a while but eventually realised that it was for the better or maybe you made yourself believe that it was probably for the better. So now when you lay awake around that 2am time, how does it feel when you look back at it? Is it nostalgia for something you imagined would happen? And the imagination was so overpowering that it almost felt real? Does it happen often?

Does it leave you feeling empty? Does your heart ache a little too much even today though it was a long time ago?

Whether you’re aching or empty, let me tell you something, something i feel is the reason the situation turned out to be the way it did. Maybe it is better it never happened, because what if the disappointment of it never reaching the level of your imagination was way more heartbreaking?

What if unknowingly you were in for more ache than fulfilment?

I am aware about the whole deal of what ifs and how you shouldn’t live in what ifs but it happened once and that is okay, what is not okay is being so hard on yourself for the sole reason of the not-happening.

And this could be taken as a lesson to be taken forward for the next time you hold yourself back from something. There is too much to talk and write about that which did not happen because of the speculations and the freedom of imagination, Maybe that is what is creating poetry for someone, some kind of art for someone.

So don’t feel disheartened, you tried, even if you didn’t think you did, you tried and the universe acknowledged it.

 

My thoughts on Rupi Kaur’s Milk and Honey.

This is that kind of a collection of poetry which will leave the readers either too underwhelmed or too overwhelmed. From what I have heard from people, this collection either became one of their absolute favourites or they were just gravely disappointed.

It is Divided into 4 parts, namely: the hurting, the loving, the breaking and the healing.

Trigger warning: rape and sexual abuse.

There is not much that I can really say to give an idea about this book so I am just going to talk about how I felt about it.

I bought this book after hearing rave reviews about it in all the bookish communities everywhere. The day it was delivered I went to a café near my college and finished it in one sitting, no kidding, it does not take long. The writing is nothing fancy though, so if you are looking for a literary masterpiece that you can break down and analyze, I do not think this book is it. But I think the simplicity of it is what makes it so special amongst many other things. This collection of modern poetry that doesn’t take a lot from you while reading, you don’t have to mentally prepare yourself to read some heavy poetry kind of thing, it is easy to absorb. There no going out of your way to understand and relate to it, it just happens effortlessly.

And it is not like I rushed through, I took my time absorbing every word, every line and allowing myself to feel whatever it was making me feel. There were parts of it that I felt connected to so much that I just had to close the book for a few sections and take in the reality of it. There were times when I had tears in my eyes, times when I actually felt lonely while reading, maybe it was like the reading was getting me to feel more than I signed up for.

Towards the end of reading this, I felt like I personally knew the poetess. Rupi just put everything possible out there and it was so beautifully done! Needless to say, it obviously became one of my favourites.

Rating: 5/5

This book is Raw and real.

The somewhat of this-is-how

Today i am sharing something i wrote a year ago, back in June when i was so badly trying to convince myself i was over someone i clearly wasn’t. Because being in denial is so much better right? Thankfully, i wrote this as a way to wrap my head around how to go about it and honestly, a year later, i am at a much much better place. Here goes,

i am getting there, its not like forgetting someone who you got attached to happens overnight.There is a particular way of how that happens. stages of it happening

1.The courage to make that decision- when you know that this whole things isn’t good for you and is turning out to be toxic there is no reason for you to stick around. Make sure you take this step before its too late. And even if you are too deep in it, its never too late. Put yourself first. After all, you shouldn’t need anyone who doesn’t need you.

 2.Do it- whether over a text, a letter, a call or doing that in person. just do it the way you’re comfortable with. It will be hard but you’ll thank yourself for it later. Tell that person how you’ve felt all along. Pour your heart out. (well, if that person feels the same then bingo! you’ve hit the jackpot).

3.Wallow- listen to sad music, a melange of heartbreaking and getting over kinda songs. listen to it. cry your eyes out. howl. wallow. eat your feelings. talk about it. seclude yourself for a while. its okay to cry over something that never happened but you kept on hoping anyways. Binge watch a show but after that do not escape this feeling. FACE it.

4.No stalking- You need to stop checking their social media. for real. and if you have any pictures of them, DELETE. not the messages though. keep them if you want, but resist the urge to read them because reading them will ultimately lead to wanting to text them and then you actually text them. Been there, done that. you won’t be proud of yourself. trust me on this.

5.Face the reality- come to terms with the fact that this whole situation isn’t made for the movie screen, and if it were meant to happen then it would’ve happened. stop trying so hard. stop chasing something that doesn’t want to be chased. That doesn’t want to be caught by you. respect yourself enough to walk out of such a situation. Your life is your movie, there is no market business, no profit from the audience, so you know you are the lead. know that you will get your happy ending. so don’t pretend, don’t put yourself through that for the heck of it.

6.Embrace it- whatever it is you’re feeling. write it down. write down the pros and cons. see which one wins. write down all the things you didn’t like about him/her. the times they made you cry, you got upset and they didn’t care and let you go to bed in a bitter mood, when they promised you something and didn’t keep it. you will automatically realize why you let go in the first place.

7. Start doing something new- work out, cook something, travel alone to a new country or the neighboring town, do something that makes you feel happy and proud of yourself.

Eventually, you’ll learn to not miss him/her. You’ll learn you don’t need anyone, at least fr now. Prioritize your needs. Don’t sacrifice easily. You’ll soon cherish his/her memories but trust me you wouldn’t wanna go back because you will have come so far.

 

 

MAUERBAUERTRAURIGKEIT

-The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.

This concept isn’t alien to me. I’ve been doing this ever since can remember, its not something i have to struggle with…it just happens, rather i make it happen. Because i convince myself to believe that’s the way it should be. That maybe everyone around me would be better off that way, and so would i. I’m a pro at pushing people away. Now even though i am more of a suffer in silence kind of a person, I think that i know that the person won’t stick around after a while and before getting too attached to someone i do it, i disappear and honestly that kind of is unfair  to the  people who really  care about me, and i make these cowardly moves where i shut them out of my life and i am the one sulking because, well, i am that emotional indeed. I know very well that it is not fair on them and but i let myself assume that its not like it would matter, like i would matter.Those are the moments i don’t get whether the devil on my shoulder is saving me or preparing me for my own personal hellish experience that’s about to arrive.
But i don’t want to do this anymore and i am working on it. I pushed so many people away to the point where now when we talk at times it feels like they’re strangers and i yearn to have those bitch-you-know-you’re-my-person kinda talks. I’ve distanced myself from everyone way too many people who could’ve been important and who still are. I’m learning to wear my heart on my sleeve. And i’m not afraid of doing that anymore. The realization that pushing someone away is just selfish and insensitive on both parties is enough for me. And also i’m learning to love myself again, so there’s no way i’m putting myself through this kind of shit from now on. Its been way to long. Its time i deal with situations rather than escape.
It took me 21 years to get this..but better late than never.