Do you ever feel nostalgic for something that did not even happen?
Something you wished so bad would happen but never did, or maybe you never had the courage to let it happen or you tried your damnest for it to happen, but well, the universe had the upper hand.
Maybe you felt disappointed for a while but eventually realised that it was for the better or maybe you made yourself believe that it was probably for the better. So now when you lay awake around that 2am time, how does it feel when you look back at it? Is it nostalgia for something you imagined would happen? And the imagination was so overpowering that it almost felt real? Does it happen often?
Does it leave you feeling empty? Does your heart ache a little too much even today though it was a long time ago?
Whether you’re aching or empty, let me tell you something, something i feel is the reason the situation turned out to be the way it did. Maybe it is better it never happened, because what if the disappointment of it never reaching the level of your imagination was way more heartbreaking?
What if unknowingly you were in for more ache than fulfilment?
I am aware about the whole deal of what ifs and how you shouldn’t live in what ifs but it happened once and that is okay, what is not okay is being so hard on yourself for the sole reason of the not-happening.
And this could be taken as a lesson to be taken forward for the next time you hold yourself back from something. There is too much to talk and write about that which did not happen because of the speculations and the freedom of imagination, Maybe that is what is creating poetry for someone, some kind of art for someone.
So don’t feel disheartened, you tried, even if you didn’t think you did, you tried and the universe acknowledged it.
This is that kind of a collection of poetry which will leave the readers either too underwhelmed or too overwhelmed. From what I have heard from people, this collection either became one of their absolute favourites or they were just gravely disappointed.
It is Divided into 4 parts, namely: the hurting, the loving, the breaking and the healing.
Trigger warning: rape and sexual abuse.
There is not much that I can really say to give an idea about this book so I am just going to talk about how I felt about it.
I bought this book after hearing rave reviews about it in all the bookish communities everywhere. The day it was delivered I went to a café near my college and finished it in one sitting, no kidding, it does not take long. The writing is nothing fancy though, so if you are looking for a literary masterpiece that you can break down and analyze, I do not think this book is it. But I think the simplicity of it is what makes it so special amongst many other things. This collection of modern poetry that doesn’t take a lot from you while reading, you don’t have to mentally prepare yourself to read some heavy poetry kind of thing, it is easy to absorb. There no going out of your way to understand and relate to it, it just happens effortlessly.
And it is not like I rushed through, I took my time absorbing every word, every line and allowing myself to feel whatever it was making me feel. There were parts of it that I felt connected to so much that I just had to close the book for a few sections and take in the reality of it. There were times when I had tears in my eyes, times when I actually felt lonely while reading, maybe it was like the reading was getting me to feel more than I signed up for.
Towards the end of reading this, I felt like I personally knew the poetess. Rupi just put everything possible out there and it was so beautifully done! Needless to say, it obviously became one of my favourites.
This book is Raw and real.
Have you ever
Felt so distant from yourself
That you don’t recognise
Who you are anymore?
For a second there
I forgot about the chaos outside
And about the raging storm inside
For a second there
I forgot about the fact that
My feelings should be caged
Because I am in a public place
For a second there
I totally forgot about
The responsibility of having
To study for a test tomorrow
For those few seconds
It was just me with my journal
And the music playing in my ears
A private conversation between us
Unknown to those around
It was the comfort of an unnerving solitude
For those few seconds
I refused to see the situation
As either black or white
During a storm
Grey is how the sky appears
But for a second there
I embraced it
And I swear
Nothing felt more beautiful.
You are not always going to be all rainbows and sunshine
there are going to be days when you are going to be a raging storm
no matter how many parties you go to and no matter how many friends you have
there are going to be days when you will find yourself not having anyone by your side
days when you feel disconnected with your own self
days when even social media won’t be able to distract you
days when no matter how many times you try to find a shelter
the storm will break through all of that
because it so overwhelmingly
demands your attention
So let it rage, my dear, do not suppress it, not again
let it take over and create something out of it,
write, paint, sing, dance, run
let it go and create something
so beautifully broken out of it
for only a few can see the beauty in the storm
and you,dear one, are one of those.
As i sit here beside the window overlooking this city finally being blessed with the rain, all I want to do is just smile and take it all in. I know it is supposed to be a vacation and I am supposed to be somewhere else with someone, anyone. I should be whining and cribbing to someone about how much period pain sucks. I should be going to bed because I have a french class to attend early in the morning tomorrow. Even though it is a Sunday.
But here I am, sitting on a bed sans a bed sheet in new room with absolutely no one around me (there probably isn’t anyone on the entire floor) and I cannot help but feel really content. I love it, I am not going to lie, as much as I love being around friends and family there will always come a point where socializing becomes too much and I yearn some solitude. I treasure those secluded times I get. Then there is always that someone who tells me that my life is sad when they find out about this. But I think everyone has their own definition of what makes them sad.
It has become a ritual now. One of the days of the weekends I take myself out and explore this place by walking around and going to Cafés. I have a thing for cute and cozy looking cafés and they get me really excited for some reason. And just because my friends are not in town does not mean I will just sit in my room and binge watch shows (which also is a good option). Today I did not have a choice of going very far so I just went to Starbucks because that will always be my back up when I am running late or too lazy to go to a new place. I sat in my usual cozy little corner, grabbed a cup of coffee and read Harry Potter.
If there is one thing that I really like about myself, and there are not a lot, is how I am so okay with being by myself and how I don’t always need people . I don’t wait for anyone if there is something that I want to do, I just do it because I am doing it for myself and it makes me happy. And mind you, I have a very low self-esteem but that does not stop me taking myself out now and then. Honestly I enjoy my company the most, which I will admit is weird. But that is okay because I like weird. Going out and spending time with myself among strangers has not only been building my self-esteem but has also been giving me confidence and making me believe in myself.
Has it ever felt like you have a reached a point where just thinking about anxiety makes you really anxious?
Like me, do you think about it all the time too? About what it would be like to be the person who is always confident and not anxious all the time?.
What it would be like to be someone who is not always afraid of doing things without the fear of being heavily judged/criticized?.
What it would be like to not let your panic attacks and anxiety get the best of you?.
What it would be like to not always doubt yourself and believe that voice inside which gets reduced to a whisper every time your mind starts panicking?
It is like there are these bars around you and even though they are very much breakable, you just freeze and feel like you can’t. That you are not strong enough. Anxiety is just exhausting to the point that it drains you of all your positivity. It is this inner battle you are fighting every single day that nobody is aware of. There are days when you want to make an effort and fight it but there are also those days when you just feel lost even before trying.
Anxiety either gets the best of you and makes you feel like a loser or you show your best self to anxiety and win one battle at a time. On the days when you feel like it is your day to win, weaken the power of anxiety and strengthen your soul by believing in yourself. Anxiety is just something you experience but it is not who you are. It is not what you are made of.
And then one day you won’t have to imagine a life without anxiety, You would be living it.