Journal entry

Why won’t you stay gone?

Why do you keep coming back

Only to leave all over again?

-20/01/2016

Advertisements

Being Done

Its funny how when you think you are really done with someone you go around telling others and casually (but not so casually) announce it time and again that “I’m done!”. Hoping that that “done” would be the official one for you and you’d believe it once you say it out loud. And then past midnight when you lay awake in your bed drunk or even sober, you realise that man you’re far from done. You’re still stuck in that place. You’re still holding on. Still holding on to the memories of that person hoping they would somehow make it better.

No matter how many times you say it out loud to let the world know in order to let yourself know that you have moved one, you know deep down that you haven’t because you feel that longing when you listen to a song in the club, read that piece of poetry, go back to your conversations, really fight the urge to drunk dial, go over your journal entries of that person, just anything and everything that even remotely reminds you of them.

It does not happen overnight, as much as you wish it did, it does not work that way. And now that you started announcing to the world, you do not want to be perceived weak ( or dare i say uncool) by them so you don’t let anyone know that you really are not done. You shed a few tears in lonesome and make up some kind of a story for your lost and sad mood for those times.

Eventually, You get busy with your life, with work, with school, a show or friends. Now, It is probably that phase where you stopped announcing it out loud every time you get drunk.

And then, suddenly, one fine day when you lay awake past midnight a voice whispers in your head “you really are done”. It happens when you least expect it. Just like that. Did you even acknowledge the process? Hardly, but it sure leaves an impact. Is there a need to say it out loud now? Nope. Your heart knows it, it is living it!

Being done is not an announcement that you scream at the top of your lungs, it is a soft whisper which only you can hear that speaks those liberating words to you.

Wishful Nostalgia

Do you ever feel nostalgic for something that did not even happen?

Something you wished so bad would happen but never did, or maybe you never had the courage to let it happen or you tried your damnest for it to happen, but well, the universe had the upper hand.

Maybe you felt disappointed for a while but eventually realised that it was for the better or maybe you made yourself believe that it was probably for the better. So now when you lay awake around that 2am time, how does it feel when you look back at it? Is it nostalgia for something you imagined would happen? And the imagination was so overpowering that it almost felt real? Does it happen often?

Does it leave you feeling empty? Does your heart ache a little too much even today though it was a long time ago?

Whether you’re aching or empty, let me tell you something, something i feel is the reason the situation turned out to be the way it did. Maybe it is better it never happened, because what if the disappointment of it never reaching the level of your imagination was way more heartbreaking?

What if unknowingly you were in for more ache than fulfilment?

I am aware about the whole deal of what ifs and how you shouldn’t live in what ifs but it happened once and that is okay, what is not okay is being so hard on yourself for the sole reason of the not-happening.

And this could be taken as a lesson to be taken forward for the next time you hold yourself back from something. There is too much to talk and write about that which did not happen because of the speculations and the freedom of imagination, Maybe that is what is creating poetry for someone, some kind of art for someone.

So don’t feel disheartened, you tried, even if you didn’t think you did, you tried and the universe acknowledged it.

 

The somewhat of this-is-how

Today i am sharing something i wrote a year ago, back in June when i was so badly trying to convince myself i was over someone i clearly wasn’t. Because being in denial is so much better right? Thankfully, i wrote this as a way to wrap my head around how to go about it and honestly, a year later, i am at a much much better place. Here goes,

i am getting there, its not like forgetting someone who you got attached to happens overnight.There is a particular way of how that happens. stages of it happening

1.The courage to make that decision- when you know that this whole things isn’t good for you and is turning out to be toxic there is no reason for you to stick around. Make sure you take this step before its too late. And even if you are too deep in it, its never too late. Put yourself first. After all, you shouldn’t need anyone who doesn’t need you.

 2.Do it- whether over a text, a letter, a call or doing that in person. just do it the way you’re comfortable with. It will be hard but you’ll thank yourself for it later. Tell that person how you’ve felt all along. Pour your heart out. (well, if that person feels the same then bingo! you’ve hit the jackpot).

3.Wallow- listen to sad music, a melange of heartbreaking and getting over kinda songs. listen to it. cry your eyes out. howl. wallow. eat your feelings. talk about it. seclude yourself for a while. its okay to cry over something that never happened but you kept on hoping anyways. Binge watch a show but after that do not escape this feeling. FACE it.

4.No stalking- You need to stop checking their social media. for real. and if you have any pictures of them, DELETE. not the messages though. keep them if you want, but resist the urge to read them because reading them will ultimately lead to wanting to text them and then you actually text them. Been there, done that. you won’t be proud of yourself. trust me on this.

5.Face the reality- come to terms with the fact that this whole situation isn’t made for the movie screen, and if it were meant to happen then it would’ve happened. stop trying so hard. stop chasing something that doesn’t want to be chased. That doesn’t want to be caught by you. respect yourself enough to walk out of such a situation. Your life is your movie, there is no market business, no profit from the audience, so you know you are the lead. know that you will get your happy ending. so don’t pretend, don’t put yourself through that for the heck of it.

6.Embrace it- whatever it is you’re feeling. write it down. write down the pros and cons. see which one wins. write down all the things you didn’t like about him/her. the times they made you cry, you got upset and they didn’t care and let you go to bed in a bitter mood, when they promised you something and didn’t keep it. you will automatically realize why you let go in the first place.

7. Start doing something new- work out, cook something, travel alone to a new country or the neighboring town, do something that makes you feel happy and proud of yourself.

Eventually, you’ll learn to not miss him/her. You’ll learn you don’t need anyone, at least fr now. Prioritize your needs. Don’t sacrifice easily. You’ll soon cherish his/her memories but trust me you wouldn’t wanna go back because you will have come so far.

 

 

Her eyes shot open as she tried to make sense of what was happening. It was just a nightmare, the same one she’s been having often since the past few months. All she can see is a massive tidal wave coming towards her. But no, it doesn’t hit her. She would wake up feeling restless. Anxiety would wash over her and for a few seconds she’d have difficulty breathing. She tries to calm herself down by staring out the window at the stars, she was always fascinated by them. When nothing around her would make sense, she would try to contemplate the stars, maybe walk out and sneak a beedi.
If you look at her, she seems like just any other woman in her early forties living up to the social norms of the society. Married, living with her husband and 2 daughters. To the people her life seems to live up to the definition of ‘normal’. But what they don’t know is, she is a free-spirit, a wild soul caged by the expectations of others. what they don’t know is how she is always secretly annoyed by her husband and how the only good outcome of this marriage are her two daughters. But she is never bitter about life, always hopeful. Every night she goes to bed hoping for a better tomorrow. Whenever she is sad, she’d retreat and take a walk outside because nothing calms her better than being around nature.

She wakes up this morning with a smile on her face as observes that the weather is cloudy and there’s a possibility of rain. She does her chores, kisses her kids bye before they leave off to school, and hold on just for a few more minutes till her husband leaves. A slight smile appears on her face as he walks outs, as she knows she will yet again take her self out to the unexplored parts of the town, go to secluded places to clear her head. For when it starts raining, that is what is going to be her escape, and thats the moment the beedi will have never tasted better.