So now that i have been home for a few months and my mother very conveniently hid the coffee somewhere, which usually belongs to me, seriously she only takes it out when we have guests over now and when they prefer coffee over chai or when she is fasting. That is the only time i get to smell the aroma of the mighty drink.
Seriously though, i needed to find my fix of caffeine since i wasn’t allowed to have coffee at home. I, now, drink chai. No kidding! me?! Who never even wanted to taste it for the 20 years of my existence, now i consume it thrice a day at least. How did it come to this?
I never thought myself to be a chai person. I make it with soy milk but still! CHAI! I drink CHAI now and i feel like i am cheating on coffee every time i do it. And i like it, a part of me questions why i never had it before and a part of me is just baffled that i am drinking chai on a daily basis now. And it tastes so good! But i miss coffee but i love chai now and now i am ranting. It is freaking 2:32am and i wanna make a cup of tea. There were times when i would sneak coffee in my bedroom ( not alcohol, not boys….but yeah coffee. i am pretty badass) and hide it under my bed every time my parents knocked on my bedroom door, and now i don’t even bother sneaking around and making it. What is even happening to me?
Maybe i should just start mixing them both and have it. That would be a fun experiment and it does not taste all that bad from what i remember back when i had it in Thailand.
The only reason I bought and dived right into this one was because of how much I enjoyed reading the sun is also a star.
Eighteen year old Madeline Whittier has lived indoors for as long as she can remember. She has this rare kind of a disease which makes her allergic to literally everything which is why she cannot step into the outside world. So her constant companions are her mother and her nurse Carla, also her books. Her routines entail online classes, assignments, reading (a lot), playing games with her mother and just the kind of things that wouldn’t harm her health and wouldn’t require her to go outdoors. She has made her peace with her situation and goes on with her routine until one day new neighbour moves in next door and there obviously has to be a really cute guy her age as one of them. This new family is unlike Madeline’s, Olly the cute guy next door is the one who captures her attention and she obviously captures his. After stealing glances at each other enough for a few days they finally start to have a conversation.
And well, the rest is a book on it.
The concept of this book really sounded cool to me, it was unlike anything I had heard of before which was the second reason I picked it up. Madeline and Olly’s situations throughout the book really made me want to root for them, like I was just wanting for them to be together already! It was really nice to go with the flow of the story and see how it was unfolding. So it is safe to say that the book started off really well for me, more than halfway through it I was really enjoying it. The writing style was simple with a few illustrations here and there, it is fun to read these kinds of books. Sort of like breaking the monotony and getting a personalized view of the character.
The plot seemed to be going really well for a while with Maddy and Olly’s interactions and everything. I almost would’ve loved this book if it wasn’t for the ending. That is the only reason it did not live up to my expectations. That was just SOME ending! I did not see that coming!
But anyway, I did enjoy reading it.
Sometimes, a lot of people find it really hard to believe it when i say that my mood is equally as bad as my period pain when it comes to that time of the month. Like not i-wanna-kill everyone bad but more like nothing ever matters and nothing ever will. That is the kind of bad i am talking about. And every time time i come to know that my period will be arriving soon is not because of a calendar or something but because there will be these days where i would feel super low and i will cry for no reason or just cry because i feel like it. I will cry in the shower, i will cry myself to sleep and just put on my sad playlist and cry to every song on it.
It is not some kind of momentary thing, it will last for good 7-8 days and that just sucks because then my mood has already waved goodbye to any motivation i had. Do you ever just feel like there is this whirlpool inside of you which is just sucking on any emotion you have and then all you are left with is emptiness? It is just you walking around with your emptiness, sleeping with it, barely eating or eating a lot owing to it, and existing without any motivation to fill something up in that empty space?
Well, i have had this go on for many years and there has to be something done about it. I do allow myself to stay in bed longer than usual without feeling guilty about it and watch some super emotional stuff that will make me cry harder. But i feel like something should be done so that this feeling does not feel prolonged. Here are the things that i hope turns that mood around for you or just make you feel somewhat better:
- If you are in the habit of journaling then read the pages where you have written about some good times you’ve had. If not, then just scroll through your gallery and look at those photos when you were all happy.
- Read, watch or in any way just go through something that you have been passionate about. It could be photography, traveling, dancing, something you must have doodled about the things you really like and allow that to make you feel something.
- I know they say that you should not drink coffee when you are on your periods but honestly coffee works for me because it gives me that kick and sipping it while going through something that inspires me really motivates me to do something.
- If coffee isn’t your things then hot chocolate or tea with a little bit of vanilla in both really helps, i strongly recommend it to go with a feel-good movie.
- Read your favorite chapter from a book or watch a favorite episode from a show you like.
These are the things that help me get through these kind of gloomy days.
As i sit here beside the window overlooking this city finally being blessed with the rain, all I want to do is just smile and take it all in. I know it is supposed to be a vacation and I am supposed to be somewhere else with someone, anyone. I should be whining and cribbing to someone about how much period pain sucks. I should be going to bed because I have a french class to attend early in the morning tomorrow. Even though it is a Sunday.
But here I am, sitting on a bed sans a bed sheet in new room with absolutely no one around me (there probably isn’t anyone on the entire floor) and I cannot help but feel really content. I love it, I am not going to lie, as much as I love being around friends and family there will always come a point where socializing becomes too much and I yearn some solitude. I treasure those secluded times I get. Then there is always that someone who tells me that my life is sad when they find out about this. But I think everyone has their own definition of what makes them sad.
It has become a ritual now. One of the days of the weekends I take myself out and explore this place by walking around and going to Cafés. I have a thing for cute and cozy looking cafés and they get me really excited for some reason. And just because my friends are not in town does not mean I will just sit in my room and binge watch shows (which also is a good option). Today I did not have a choice of going very far so I just went to Starbucks because that will always be my back up when I am running late or too lazy to go to a new place. I sat in my usual cozy little corner, grabbed a cup of coffee and read Harry Potter.
If there is one thing that I really like about myself, and there are not a lot, is how I am so okay with being by myself and how I don’t always need people . I don’t wait for anyone if there is something that I want to do, I just do it because I am doing it for myself and it makes me happy. And mind you, I have a very low self-esteem but that does not stop me taking myself out now and then. Honestly I enjoy my company the most, which I will admit is weird. But that is okay because I like weird. Going out and spending time with myself among strangers has not only been building my self-esteem but has also been giving me confidence and making me believe in myself.