I am trying

I am trying to live in the here and now. to just breathe. be aware of my immediate surrounding. of my state in the present. I am trying to slow down, to listen to sound of the rain, the sweet melody of the raindrops blessing the earth.i am trying to let myself get carried away with every page I read, to close my eyes and really feel the music and not just listen. I am trying to sip on my chai and savour it rather than just mindlessly drink it. I am trying to be thankful for the present by living in it.

Current read: The forty rules of love by Elif Shafak

type of tea: Chai

Songs/band: Cigarettes after sex

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I’d almost gone to bed

I had a lot of breakdowns last semester, a lot. Some of them were the results of putting myself in certain situations and some of them were because of being put in certain situations, despite my futile efforts to get out of them. Even efforts fell short for a lot of things from academics to relationships, and yet everything was exhausting. Or maybe even the little efforts I was taking felt like a herculean task because of my state of mind. Maybe that was why it was all so exhausting. A lot happened and a lot did not happen. Some of it to my liking and some of it despite.

I was nicely tucked in bed a couple of minutes ago, I had gone to bed just a few minutes prior. But as soon as I shut my eyes, I recalled the previous semester and how I had felt like such a failure. I’m supposed to leave for university again in 3 days and everything was going well until now, till I recalled every bad thing that happened and my mind just went into this state of pre-breakdown mode. I know that mode, that state. That warm up before a breakdown, I know it all too well. I could feel that whirlpool of anxiety in my stomach demanding my being. I couldn’t let it get to that. Tears started welling up in my eyes.

My tossing and turning in bed followed finally giving up and going to the kitchen to make a cup of chai. Chai calms me down. I went in the kitchen around 4:30 and could hear my neighbor’s wake up alarm. The world is waking up and I haven’t even gone to bed (this should probably be the title of my biography or something).

Now here I am, sipping on my chai, hopelessly typing this so I can make sense of what’s happening.

Hey look! I saved myself from a breakdown, from going to a bad place, from feeling sorry for myself and from crying myself to sleep yet another night. I get that sometimes breakdowns are necessary but in my case, I crumble way too easy and too fast. And I got a hold of myself today, I didn’t even realize. Earlier if something like this happened I’d get carried away, feel super drained and try to see my therapist as soon as possible. But tonight (or this morning?) I don’t feel like that. It’s a very okay feeling actually, I don’t feel like my mood has switched completely or anything but I definitely feel better. Like the kind of okay that is just okay and not a good okay or a bad okay but the actual ‘okay’ okay.

History is all you left me by Adam Silvera- A spoiler free review

This book was given to me for my birthday by a very close friend who knew my state of mind at the time and also my love for sad literature. Sometimes books like these just come your way when your heart needs a little more pain to be added to the already existing pain in order to heal.

FYI my opinion might be biased here because I really needed to read something like to this.

Synopsis:

This is the story of Griffin, who is suffering from OCD, trying to come to terms with the death of his very recent ex-boyfriend, Theo. Theo was also his best friend and someone Griffin saw himself spending the rest of his life with. There seems to be only one person who could possibly understand what Griffin is going through and that is Theo’s new boyfriend. They both navigate through this grief in their own ways but soon their relationship takes an unexpected turn.

Review:

Even though I just wanted to fly right through this one, I had to take pauses. Sometimes after reading an incident or a few lines, I had to take a minute or two to let it sink in. Some parts are just royally messed up and you’re all like WHOA. The storyline was plain and simple but there was so much in that simplicity. The pain, the grieving, the healing, the heartache and the brutal honesty in all of it is what makes one appreciate the journey this book takes you on. The characters were so incredibly flawed and you cannot help but want to relate or understand the why behind their actions. I don’t think I have ever read about any OCD character and this book gave a pretty good insight into what it must be like to live with it, which made me appreciate it even more.

Rating: 4.5/5

Song recommendations for this read:

  • All i want by Kodaline
  • It ain’t me by Kygo and Selena Gomez
  • Jiyein kyun by Papon ( Coke studio version)

Spoiler free review – Bloodline by Sidney Sheldon

How I came about reading it:

I started reading Sidney Sheldon’s books when I was in grade 8 and have read almost all of his books so needless to say, his writing style is very familiar to me. I wasn’t diving into a completely unknown world when bloodline was picked up by me. He is one of my favorite authors and sometimes his books are devoured by me in less than a day’s time. So, bloodline was just there, sitting on my shelf when I was desperately searching for a thriller to read after having finished “The unbearable lightness of being” and boy that was heavy one. Does it ever happen to you that a book sits on your shelf for so long that you start to believe that you’ve read it even though you haven’t? Yeah that is exactly what happened to bloodline, all this time I believed I had read it.

Review:

Do you ever just read a book that you barely started a day ago or so and then as soon as it is over you’re just like GAAAAH I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!

Yeah, as soon as I finished reading bloodline, the very sunny day all of a sudden did not feel so bright and sunny. As soon as I shut the book, it became so hard to comprehend that I was not in the setting of the book but in my own room in this small town which is my home. I had barely started reading the book the day before and could not put it down. It was not just the plot of the story, it was everything about the book that was so gripping that it forced me to keep on turning the page. The concept of “Just one more chapter” went out the window because I knew as soon as I started this book there was no doing anything else until I had finished reading it.

The cliffhangers were not making it any easier, they were so well planned and definitely worked their way into instilling more intrigue and excitement. One thing I always like about Sidney Sheldon’s books is when the protagonist is a female, how they are usually underestimated, shown as a failure and then while the evolution of them turning into this badass of a person is not just read but lived. This book takes you around the world, between the past and the present and gives a vivid description of the beautiful villas and houses. One gets up and close with almost every character as enough time and depth of the story is told for each of them, you see them struggle, live, from their past to the present and just enough glance into how their minds to see how each works and ticks differently. Just enough so as to not give away the suspense. The suspense again was well built and at no point did I feel confused and even though the ending gave the main answers I was still hoping to learn more of each of the characters and how they end up, which was left for the readers to imagine.

Rating : 4.5/5

Journal entry

Why won’t you stay gone?

Why do you keep coming back

Only to leave all over again?

-20/01/2016

Being Done

Its funny how when you think you are really done with someone you go around telling others and casually (but not so casually) announce it time and again that “I’m done!”. Hoping that that “done” would be the official one for you and you’d believe it once you say it out loud. And then past midnight when you lay awake in your bed drunk or even sober, you realise that man you’re far from done. You’re still stuck in that place. You’re still holding on. Still holding on to the memories of that person hoping they would somehow make it better.

No matter how many times you say it out loud to let the world know in order to let yourself know that you have moved one, you know deep down that you haven’t because you feel that longing when you listen to a song in the club, read that piece of poetry, go back to your conversations, really fight the urge to drunk dial, go over your journal entries of that person, just anything and everything that even remotely reminds you of them.

It does not happen overnight, as much as you wish it did, it does not work that way. And now that you started announcing to the world, you do not want to be perceived weak ( or dare i say uncool) by them so you don’t let anyone know that you really are not done. You shed a few tears in lonesome and make up some kind of a story for your lost and sad mood for those times.

Eventually, You get busy with your life, with work, with school, a show or friends. Now, It is probably that phase where you stopped announcing it out loud every time you get drunk.

And then, suddenly, one fine day when you lay awake past midnight a voice whispers in your head “you really are done”. It happens when you least expect it. Just like that. Did you even acknowledge the process? Hardly, but it sure leaves an impact. Is there a need to say it out loud now? Nope. Your heart knows it, it is living it!

Being done is not an announcement that you scream at the top of your lungs, it is a soft whisper which only you can hear that speaks those liberating words to you.