Do you ever feel nostalgic for something that did not even happen?
Something you wished so bad would happen but never did, or maybe you never had the courage to let it happen or you tried your damnest for it to happen, but well, the universe had the upper hand.
Maybe you felt disappointed for a while but eventually realised that it was for the better or maybe you made yourself believe that it was probably for the better. So now when you lay awake around 2am, how does it feel when you look back? Is it a nostalgia for something you imagined would happen? And the imagination was so overpowering that it almost felt real? Does it happen often?
Does it leave you feeling empty? Does your heart ache a little too much even today though it was a long time ago?
Whether you’re aching or empty, let me tell you something, something i feel is the reason the situation turned out to be the way it did. Maybe it is better it never happened, because what if the disappointment of it never reaching the level of your imagination was way more heartbreaking?
What if unknowingly you were in for more ache than fulfilment?
I am aware about the whole deal of what ifs and how you shouldn’t live in what ifs but it happened once and that is okay, what is not okay is being so hard on yourself for the sole reason of the not-happening.
And this could be taken as a lesson to be taken forward for the next time you hold yourself back from something. There is too much to talk and write about that which did not happen because of the speculations and the freedom of imagination, Maybe that is what is writing poetry for someone, some kind of art for someone.
So don’t feel disheartened, you tried, even if you didn’t think you did, you tried and the universe acknowledged it.
Been doing that thing where I listen to way too much music and zone out more than usual.
That thing I do where i completely lose myself in a book to the point where reality is what appears as a break.
More sleeping than usual, more staying in bed even if it’s just lying around and not getting work done.
Taking road trips just for the heck of it and trying to accomplish the task of reading along with not wanting to miss out on the view.
Just sitting by the window when it starts raining and doing nothing but listening to the sound of rain.
A little more contemplating and less speaking.
August, you’ve been one taking-it-easy on the self kinda month so far.
Your dreams belong to you.No matter how big or small, it matters. That dream is like a sacred place in your mind and soul. So when you decide to let someone in on your dream, in that comfort zone of your soul, please do not be disheartened when they brush it off, or even worse, laugh it off.
When they don’t share the same enthusiasm as you, please don’t let it weaken your confidence because there is a different sparkle for every pair of eyes when they talk about something they’re passionate about.
And When you decide to let someone in on that idea that you’ve been so afraid to speak out loud, please do not expect them to help you carry majority of it forward. You’re the one who is going to have to do the most (or all of it) bit.
You owe it to your dream to carry it forward on your shoulders, not as a burden but the way superheroes wear their capes, with pride, dignity and the will to fly when even though they know that something could go wrong and they might fall.
So don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. You dream is solely yours and that is what makes it unique.
For a second there
I forgot about the chaos outside
And about the raging storm inside
For a second there
I forgot about the fact that
My feelings should be caged
Because I am in a public place
For a second there
I totally forgot about
The responsibility of having
To study for a test tomorrow
For those few seconds
It was just me with my journal
And the music playing in my ears
A private conversation between us
Unknown to those around
It was the comfort of an unnerving solitude
For those few seconds
I refused to see the situation
As either black or white
During a storm
Grey is how the sky appears
But for a second there
I embraced it
And I swear
Nothing felt more beautiful.
You are not always going to be all rainbows and sunshine
there are going to be days when you are going to be a raging storm
no matter how many parties you go to and no matter how many friends you have
there are going to be those days when you will find yourself not having anyone by your side
days when you feel disconnected with your own self
days when even social media won’t be able to distract you
days when no matter how many times you try to find a shelter
the storm will break through all of that
because it so overwhelmingly
demands your attention
So let it rage, my dear, do not suppress it, not again
let it take over and create something out of it,
write, paint, sing, dance, run
let it go and create something
so beautifully broken out of it
for only a few can see the beauty in the storm
and you,dear one, are one of those.
As i sit here beside the window overlooking this city finally being blessed with the rain, all I want to do is just smile and take it all in. I know it is supposed to be a vacation and I am supposed to be somewhere else with someone, anyone. I should be whining and cribbing to someone about how much period pain sucks. I should be going to bed because I have a french class to attend early in the morning tomorrow. Even though it is a Sunday.
But here I am, sitting on a bed sans a bed sheet in new room with absolutely no one around me (there probably isn’t anyone on the entire floor) and I cannot help but feel really content. I love it, I am not going to lie, as much as I love being around friends and family there will always come a point where socializing becomes too much and I yearn some solitude. I treasure those secluded times I get. Then there is always that someone who tells me that my life is sad when they find out about this. But I think everyone has their own definition of what makes them sad.
It has become a ritual now. One of the days of the weekends I take myself out and explore this place by walking around and going to Cafés. I have a thing for cute and cozy looking cafés and they get me really excited for some reason. And just because my friends are not in town does not mean I will just sit in my room and binge watch shows (which also is a good option). Today I did not have a choice of going very far so I just went to Starbucks because that will always be my back up when I am running late or too lazy to go to a new place. I sat in my usual cozy little corner, grabbed a cup of coffee and read Harry Potter.
If there is one thing that I really like about myself, and there are not a lot, is how I am so okay with being by myself and how I don’t always need people . I don’t wait for anyone if there is something that I want to do, I just do it because I am doing it for myself and it makes me happy. And mind you, I have a very low self-esteem but that does not stop me taking myself out now and then. Honestly I enjoy my company the most, which I will admit is weird. But that is okay because I like weird. Going out and spending time with myself among strangers has not only been building my self-esteem but has also been giving me confidence and making me believe in myself.