Being Done

Its funny how when you think you are really done with someone you go around telling others and casually (but not so casually) announce it time and again that “I’m done!”. Hoping that that “done” would be the official one for you and you’d believe it once you say it out loud. And then past midnight when you lay awake in your bed drunk or even sober, you realise that man you’re far from done. You’re still stuck in that place. You’re still holding on. Still holding on to the memories of that person hoping they would somehow make it better.

No matter how many times you say it out loud to let the world know in order to let yourself know that you have moved one, you know deep down that you haven’t because you feel that longing when you listen to a song in the club, read that piece of poetry, go back to your conversations, really fight the urge to drunk dial, go over your journal entries of that person, just anything and everything that even remotely reminds you of them.

It does not happen overnight, as much as you wish it did, it does not work that way. And now that you started announcing to the world, you do not want to be perceived weak ( or dare i say uncool) by them so you don’t let anyone know that you really are not done. You shed a few tears in lonesome and make up some kind of a story for your lost and sad mood for those times.

Eventually, You get busy with your life, with work, with school, a show or friends. Now, It is probably that phase where you stopped announcing it out loud every time you get drunk.

And then, suddenly, one fine day when you lay awake past midnight a voice whispers in your head “you really are done”. It happens when you least expect it. Just like that. Did you even acknowledge the process? Hardly, but it sure leaves an impact. Is there a need to say it out loud now? Nope. Your heart knows it, it is living it!

Being done is not an announcement that you scream at the top of your lungs, it is a soft whisper which only you can hear that speaks those liberating words to you.

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August till now

Been doing that thing where I listen to way too much music and zone out more than usual.

That thing I do where i completely lose myself in a book to the point where reality is what appears as a break.

More sleeping than usual, more staying in bed even if it’s just Laying around and not getting work done.

Taking road trips just for the heck of it and trying to accomplish the task of reading along with not wanting to miss out on the view.

Just sitting by the window when it starts raining and doing nothing but listening to the sound of rain.

A little more observing and less speaking.

August, you’ve been one taking-it-easy on the self kinda month so far.

Manali haul

IMG_4025Recently I went to Manali for a trek and it was absolutely one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had, exhausting but beautiful. So being a trekking kind of a trip there was not a lot of shopping that we could do, I am not that fond of shopping anyway, unless it is about books then I go CRAZY. But we visited a couple of markets and found some cute stuff here and there. I only bought a handful of things which I really liked as soon as i saw them. I am the kind of person who shops at a very quick pace, like if  something catches my eye I will buy it, there is no time spent on browsing through things, I am that impatient. Which is why my mom does not like shopping with me.

Anyway, so first thing I did when we entered Manali was look up local bookstores and I found this really nice bookstore (they’re all nice tho). Our guide took me there because I kept requesting and would not let it go. So while everyone was shopping at the mall road, I was walking through these alleys and somewhere not so crowded as mall road to get to this bookstore. I will write more about the bookstore and the books I bought in the books section. I bought 3 books:

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  • Philosophy a very short introduction by Edward Craig
  • A farewell to arms by ernest hemingway
  • A Short History of a Small Place by T.R.Pearson

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I also bought an Eco-friendly handmade bookmark with a Dalai Lama quote on it and a few postcards for 15 rupees each.

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Next I knew exactly what I wanted so I went searching for it which was not at all difficult because almost every shop had it, The Prayer Flags. Yeah the ones which almost everyone gets when they visit the north. I could have asked anyone I know to get it for me whenever they visited but I wanted to get one for myself.

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The Flag comes in different sizes and I bought the first one I saw. I got it for 50 rupees, usually I bargain everywhere but here I did not want to, since it is a Prayer Flag. These Prayer Flags consist of the colours wherein each colour symbolizes an element. Blue represents sky, white-wind,red-fire, green-water, yellow-earth. The one I got is the horizontal flag also known as Lung Dar. After reading a bit on this I found out that it is better to receive them as a gift, well, good thing I got one for my friend.

On the last day we went to old Manali again and I bought a kurti which can be worn as a dress as well. I spotted this kurti while strolling through one of the lanes of old Manali,  it was displayed outside the shop. Not only did I buy it, I made my cousins buy the same one in different colours. Also convinced the shopkeeper to sell it for 300 rupees instead 600.

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Once again

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I need to start writing again. It has been a while since I actually sat down and wrote something in my journal. The constant restlessness that I am gripped by does not let go any further than a little bit of scribbling here and there in my journal or the notes app on my phone. These days, I find it so hard to just sit down and put my thought into words, it use to be effortless. Journaling was my thing, something I have been doing since I was 14. The past few months I have been disconnected from the things that bring me nothing but pure joy, like reading, journaling and even working out. I have almost forgotten what it is like to be navigated by my thoughts while my pen being the medium to help me get where ever there is. Pretty ironic considering how it my thoughts along with everything else that makes me feel so lost and confused but as soon as I start to pen them down, it is as if they become real and make sense. So even if I do not find the solution I feel better by the time I see the voices in my head on a paper.

I deleted yet another blog. No matter how many times I create one, I end up deleting, I start disliking it and become super conscious about what if someone is reading and about what they might think of me, Which is something that is obviously going to happen because it is a blog post and I am putting it out there in the world, my thoughts, so if someone reads it they are going to have an opinion. It is me who is going to have to not be so conscious and start believing in myself a little more, because if I don’t, who will? So here is another attempt at blogging, not for any but myself. This is my own little corner on the internet. I decided to go along with this because there is something that I am waiting for and while the wait feels excruciatingly long every day, I am going to blog my anxiety away.