Some days my urge to write is so overwhelming that i could fill up an entire book.
the other days,
I can’t even look at one.
So now that i have been home for a few months and my mother very conveniently hid the coffee somewhere, which usually belongs to me, seriously she only takes it out when we have guests over now and when they prefer coffee over chai or when she is fasting. That is the only time i get to smell the aroma of the mighty drink.
Seriously though, i needed to find my fix of caffeine since i wasn’t allowed to have coffee at home. I, now, drink chai. No kidding! me?! Who never even wanted to taste it for the 20 years of my existence, now i consume it thrice a day at least. How did it come to this?
I never thought myself to be a chai person. I make it with soy milk but still! CHAI! I drink CHAI now and i feel like i am cheating on coffee every time i do it. And i like it, a part of me questions why i never had it before and a part of me is just baffled that i am drinking chai on a daily basis now. And it tastes so good! But i miss coffee but i love chai now and now i am ranting. It is freaking 2:32am and i wanna make a cup of tea. There were times when i would sneak coffee in my bedroom ( not alcohol, not boys….but yeah coffee. i am pretty badass) and hide it under my bed every time my parents knocked on my bedroom door, and now i don’t even bother sneaking around and making it. What is even happening to me?
Maybe i should just start mixing them both and have it. That would be a fun experiment and it does not taste all that bad from what i remember back when i had it in Thailand.
Do you ever feel nostalgic for something that did not even happen?
Something you wished so bad would happen but never did, or maybe you never had the courage to let it happen or you tried your damnest for it to happen, but well, the universe had the upper hand.
Maybe you felt disappointed for a while but eventually realised that it was for the better or maybe you made yourself believe that it was probably for the better. So now when you lay awake around that 2am time, how does it feel when you look back at it? Is it nostalgia for something you imagined would happen? And the imagination was so overpowering that it almost felt real? Does it happen often?
Does it leave you feeling empty? Does your heart ache a little too much even today though it was a long time ago?
Whether you’re aching or empty, let me tell you something, something i feel is the reason the situation turned out to be the way it did. Maybe it is better it never happened, because what if the disappointment of it never reaching the level of your imagination was way more heartbreaking?
What if unknowingly you were in for more ache than fulfilment?
I am aware about the whole deal of what ifs and how you shouldn’t live in what ifs but it happened once and that is okay, what is not okay is being so hard on yourself for the sole reason of the not-happening.
And this could be taken as a lesson to be taken forward for the next time you hold yourself back from something. There is too much to talk and write about that which did not happen because of the speculations and the freedom of imagination, Maybe that is what is creating poetry for someone, some kind of art for someone.
So don’t feel disheartened, you tried, even if you didn’t think you did, you tried and the universe acknowledged it.
Is what i feel like right now. Like everything i am doing is just so rushed. I want to write but at the same time i am thinking of something else that i have to do. Books that are to be read, writing my journal, write something here, make tea or coffee and actually take the time out to drink with some peace of mind, make a plan, some kind of plan to take away this uneasiness but everything just feels so rushed! Like the past 21 years went by without my permission, well, technically that is how time works. The 24 hours do not feel enough, some days i feel like there should be more hours in a day and the rest of the days it is all about “ugh why doesn’t this day end already!?”.
Truthfully, i am typing this out but in my mind i am planning or more like worrying about how the hell am i gonna end up writing my report and then get some sleep (i really try to not screw my sleep schedule). That i will start tomorrow, hopefully i write at least 2000+ words.
The weather was so beautiful today because it rained all day and guess who could’t enjoy it!? me! Because of getting anxious over writing a report which i did not even end up writing. At least i Cleaned my wardrobe and decided on the clothes that i will pack. But essentially if i look back on today, i pretty much did nothing and that makes me anxious for some reason.
I shall remember to breathe and not feel too overwhelmed with everything. It is going to be okay and i will read my anxiety away.
Ah so much for my last post of August being a chilled kind of a month. Haha, boy did i jinx it! The remaining of it sure as hell isn’t going to be all chill, there is so much that needs to be done before leaving. I must go to sleep on time tonight so i get work done tomorrow. Hopefully, tomorrow when i update here i will have done most of my work.
Been doing that thing where I listen to way too much music and zone out more than usual.
That thing I do where i completely lose myself in a book to the point where reality is what appears as a break.
More sleeping than usual, more staying in bed even if it’s just Laying around and not getting work done.
Taking road trips just for the heck of it and trying to accomplish the task of reading along with not wanting to miss out on the view.
Just sitting by the window when it starts raining and doing nothing but listening to the sound of rain.
A little more observing and less speaking.
August, you’ve been one taking-it-easy on the self kinda month so far.
I opened up to someone in my dream last night.
I do not know who that someone was
But i am painstakingly waiting.
-14th November 2016