Once upon a time 

img_4057There was a time once in my life for a brief period , you know just like it is in the fairy tales where everyone knows the ending is going to be a happy one.
when i use to be one of those people who had it all figured out, knew exactly what i wanted, and I was pretty much in control of myself.
and then i wasn’t that girl anymore.
It seems like forever ago that time, that girl seems like a stranger as i flip through the pages of her journals, i am pretty sure if i meet her today i won’t even be able to recognize her. she would probably look down on this version of me or maybe i’d be intimated by her. The mirror wouldn’t show the same reflection if i went back in time, I am home and people don’t see the same girl smiling back at them and it is not the same daughter my parents had yet not a soul is aware of that and i don’t think anyone would ever be. It is an internal transition, a turmoil of pain, struggle, confusion and anxiety which in an unusual way is projected out as a perfectly normal girl who does not have any issues as long as she is a virgin and making an acceptable career choice.
It scares me to think of who i am and if that person was me at all, i have thought of it all, whether this is a phase, if my mind is just playing with me but somewhere deep down i hear a whisper from within trying to warn me that the girl is long gone and i should just let it be. I don’t want to fight this person, nor do i want to try and hold on that image of the 16 year old me. This it is time for some kind of transformation, this is time to move on from Disney movies to some hardcore real life drama where there is a lot more to life than just waiting for a guy to rescue you while you sing away your sorrows. My life feels like a a version of wild gone wrong where i get horribly lost in the woods and for some reason that feels anxiously comfortable. Is that even possible?
I want to take life as it comes rather than keep escaping it behind the image that society has of me. I would much rather want to experience it, with all of its raw and explicitness , let it hit me and hit me hard if that is what it would take to make me the person that i am going to be. So be it.
I am done being that girl, From now on it is always going to be about THIS girl. Someday this girl is going to be that girl eventually but till that time i will have learned how to not dwell on the image/identity frozen in time.

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